Places I'm not likely to go any time soon: Scott Conant's Scarpetta. What a friggin' douchebag, and I don't use that term often or lightly. Leering, smarmy, rude, and altogether distasteful--dude almost brought down this entire season of Top Chef.

Let's keep this roughly chronological, though. Not that the integrity of time and space means much to the TC producers. This week, like an episode of LOST, sees our chefs preparing for the Super Bowl in the middle of the summer. They even have a number square sheet!

This sheet, actually a large posterboard construction, will assign the food category and specific ingredient each chef will have to work with in the Quickfire Challenge. Things like seafood, fruits, vegetables and the like appear along the Y axis. Along the X? Oats. Oats. Oats. You get the picture. Yes, it's the Quaker Oats Quickfire Challenge. Ugh.

I like how Fabio refers to someone as "guys" even while talking in confessional. Does he not know he's supposed to be just talking? Is he talking to the camera crew? It's funny. Carla's crazy fervent support of Quaker Oats? Not so much funny as sadly believable.

With 45 minutes to work, and no immunity on the line, the chefs get a-crusting. Really, that's all anyone does with the oats. Jeff crusts fried chicken paillard. Hosea makes wiener schnitzel, which is German for "crusted," Fabio oat-shellacs the hell out of some eggplant. Everyone but Stefan, who does a banana mousse and some kind of oat/almond petit fours, makes some kind of oat-coated meat (or in Carla's case, tofu); guess who wins?

I don't want to sound like I'm not enjoying this season, or that I'm belittling the product or the contestants, but this crew of chefs is really pretty low on inspiration. Listen to Leah as she snoozes her way through explaining her dish: "Mine was seafood, soo..." WAKE UP AND COMPETE! Jesus!

Anyway, Stefan wants to remind us that he's won five challenges in a row. Not exactly, buddy. You didn't win the Restaurant Wars Quickfire, although you have been at the top half of Judges' Table for five weeks in a row. Jeff, meanwhile, is in the weeds. Carla describes him as being unable to "quiet the creative monkeys." Leah, too, is struggling with motivation and execution (more pin bone wrestling this week, as opposed to Hosea-bone wrestling. Hey-oh!).

I'd also like to point out now that the guest judge belittles Fabio at the Quickfire for being a little heavy-handed with his oat encrusting; to be fair, he was. But Fabio takes umbrage with that treatment; remember that for later.

To the Elimination Challenge, where Padma tells the chefs there's a surprise in the stew room (Fabio: "a dog?"). No, it's a bunch of Top Chef jerseys, with the chefs' names on the back and the number five (Leah: "what's the five?" Everyone else: "It's the fifth season, you moron.").

The chefs return to the kitchen, and Padma finally explains the challenge. It'll be Top Chef Bowl, and the opposing team is....Top Chef all-stars from past seasons! Andrew, Spike and Nikki from S4, Camille (Camille??) from S3, Josie from S2, and Andrea and Miguel from S1 (truth be told, the season I didn't watch--I have it saved on my Netflix queue though!).

There are NFL helmets on the tables, and the chefs will compete head-to-head a la football. Culinary students will comprise the audience, as well as a small percentage of the judging. The helmets are Miami, Green Bay (WOOO!), Dallas, Seattle, New York (Giants), San Francisco, and New Orleans. A pretty respectable spread, as the challenge will be to pair off and make a dish that represents the regional cuisine of the team, and make it somewhat Super Bowl party-friendly.

Stefan's non-immunity reward for winning the QF is that he gets to pick region and opponent before anyone else. He takes Dallas (really, Stefan?), and chooses Andrea, who was eliminated twice in Season 1. She's kind of cute, and Stefan's thought process is clear: cop a feel, get an easy win over a "sucky" chef.

The rest of the chefs huddle in their respective teams, and each one takes a region. Fabio, who likes to pretend he knows nahhthing about nahhthing when he wants to wash his hands of something, just lets everyone else pick and takes what's left: GREEN BAY, BABY. Fabio, dude, come on up to Wisconsin and I'll show you some good food. Come on through, buddy.

The pairings: Jeff v. Josie in Miami. Fabio v. Spike in Green Bay. Stefan v. Andrea in Dallas. Hosea v. Miguel in Seattle. Leah v. Nikki in New York. Jamie v. Camille in San Francisco. Carla v. Andrew in New Orleans.

They're pretty obvious pairings, and you wonder if that's why these past chefs were asked to participate. Clearly, Jeff would do Miami (Josie's from there, too), which leaves Seattle as the best other seafood option: that means Hosea's there like white on rice. Jamie's from SF, and could do nothing else; same with Leah and NYC (duh, Nikki). And Carla's from the South. The fact that she got paired with her favorite all-star, Andrew, is just serendipity.

The chefs will get 2 hours to prep, and then go head-to-head in a 20-minute challenge. You lose your matchup, you stand a chance of elimination. They all run to the coolers holding their key regional ingredients, and get working. Well, almost all of them. Jamie's totally befuddled. That's kind of odd, but she did say that even she was a little intimidated by these former chef contestants. Why? It's not like any of 'em won or anything. Another indictment of the capabilities of this season's chefs.

Hosea's dishing out seafood trash talk in the confessional; he doesn't think much of Miguel's cedar planks (that's so 2004!). Fabio gets to work with venison; perhaps he'll be interested in my recipe. Stefan's clearly trying to get Andrea drunk and slutty (not working). And Leah...I wish I could feel sorry for you, because you couldn't sound more beaten down. But I don't, because you're a skeez.

In the mid-break vignette, we learn that Spike looks a little bit like Brett Favre when he puts on the GB helmet. He also calls Fabio "Fabian," which is actually pretty good international trash-talk. Too bad he's a complete dingus.

The worst possible sequence of events occurs, when Fabio starts talking in voice-over confessional about how he wants to win this competition FOR HIS MOM, who is SICK. NOOOOOO!!! Don't you know you can't say shit like that??

On competition day, the chefs trudge off to the Institute of Culinary Education, where the find the previously-excused chefs from Season 5 as well as a bunch of students. They've all got foam fingers and jerseys and whatnot. The scoring will be as follows: the judges' pick will garner 7 points. The panel of 5 student tasters will garner 3. Ties from the judges will put all 10 points in the students' hands. Head-to-head score determines winners there, total point totals determine whether S5 or all-stars win.

Leah v. Nikki (NYG)
Leah makes a seared strip steak with creamed corn and snap peas, with an arugula salad. Nikki picks chicken livers, and serves them with arugula, goat cheese, and some toasted challah. The judges like Leah's dish, but the fans pick Nikki. 7-3, home team.

Hosea v. Miguel (SEA)
Hosea is cooking some salmon to medium rare, then deep-frying it in eggroll form. He's also continuing the trash talk: "I want you to like me so it doesn't hurt as bad when I win." He serves his rolls with a ginger blackberry sauce. Miguel doesn't stand a chance with his noodles, and the judges and fans all pick Hosea. 17-3, home team.

Carla v. Andrew (NO)
It's Battle Crazypants as Andrew comes out with his crawfish live and angry (they'd been getting taunted back in the kitchen). Carla's voiceover talks about how she doesn't know football at all; does it really matter? Her 20-minute gumbo is still daunting. Andrew serves up, in typical smug Andrew fashion, a small, square pile of food. Carla does a crawfish and Andouille gumbo with stone-ground grits. The judges unanimously pick Carla, but the fans feed off of Andrew's brand of crazy and pick him. 24-6, home team.

Stefan v. Andrea (DAL)
Clearly, Stefan thinks very little of Andrea as a chef (but professes love for her personally, of course). How else to explain that he -- the Terminator -- makes a duo of salads? Corn and pepper salad with beef, queso fresco, and tortilla chips, and pork with cole slaw. Andrea makes a chili with chipotles, and a cole slaw as well. The judges tie. The fans, as tie-breakers, give the full ten points to Andrea. 24-16, home team.

Jamie v. Camille (SF)
Jamie whips up a cioppino (Fabio, I'm sure, writhes at her ugly pronunciation) of crab, tomatoes, olives, and basil, with sourdough. Camille takes the dartboard to the pantry approach and combines sweet potato and miso for a mash, and crab with stone-ground mustard. Whoa. Her wacky combo still manages to take in two of the judges (including Tom, surprisingly), but the fans break the tie in Jamie's favor. 34-16, home team.

Jeff v. Josie (MIA)
At this point, we should note that only Stefan has lost his head-to-head. That means that if the final pairings went to the home team, he'd have to be eliminated. Hm. Jeff looks like he's going to make it through, as Josie whips up a warm shrimp ceviche (is that still ceviche?) with papaya, while Jeff puts together shrimp, sangria sorbet, jicama, mango, and cilantro. Jeff got burned in the QF for doing too little with too much, and whaddayaknow, he does the same thing here. Judges and fans agree, it's Josie's ten points. 34-26, home team.

Fabio v. Spike (GB)
Fabio dons the GB helmet (and also looks vaguely Brettish), comes out and starts working the crowd. Fabio is doing venison for the haahnting theengs in Weesconseen, and calls out Spike for not integrating cheese in any way. Spike's venison is a five-spice rub with cranberries, port wine reduction, pistachios (someone's been cribbing from Steph Izard's cheat sheet), microsalad. Fabio does venison with mustard, beets, and a stonefruit and cheddar salad. He worries that he overcooked the venison, and indeed he did. The judges pick Spike. Fabio needs the fans to salvage a win for the home team, and the Italian charm (as opposed to Spike's Chinese/Greek mother and dueling butcher grandfathers) kicks in. Fabio takes three points, and holds onto a 37-33 win for the Season 5 home team.

This puts together a worrisome bottom panel of Jeff, Stefan, and Fabio. As @swoonqueen reminded me on Twitter last night, the judges could very easily throw the judging as the competition progressed, in order to fill out the lineup of potential losers.

The winners go out first. The judges give Carla her props, telling her they tasted the love this time. Kind of sweet, and not really that condescending. Tom is impressed with Hosea's still medium-rare fish inside a deep-fried eggroll. Leah's dish is simple and fine (please, judges, don't spare the compliments! ... nothing?) While Toby was digging the sourdough scooping implement for Jamie's cioppino, guest douchebag Scott Conant clearly wanted on Jamie, and hard. Gross behavior. "I love watching you cook," he leers. ::shudder::

But clearly, this was Carla's week. In the top three of the QF, and she takes the win in the Elimination. Crazy triumphs! And gets two tickets to the Super Bowl, not too shabby. Good Sport Stefan responds with a "you're fucking shitting me" in the stew room. Tell us how you really feel, bud.

Remember how Fabio took none too kindly to guest douchebag Scott Conant mocking his food during the Quickfire? Well, Fabio's overdone venison takes even more heat from the judges. They were all a little harsh during the tasting, but Conant takes it to a new level. Fabio tries to defend the absence of acidity in his salad by pointing out, somewhat accurately, that cheese and acid don't always work well together. First, Conant mocks his accent. Mimics it and parrots what Fabio is saying. Then he gets irritated that Fabio's taking it to his sense of culinary right and wrong.

Maybe Conant's right, maybe Fabio's right. But talking to another professional like he's a child who just smeared his mac and cheese on the kitchen wall is another thing altogether. It was completely unprofessional, and Conant clearly let those three stars go to his head. He thought it was his show.

The rest of the judging goes fine. The panel calls out Stefan's choice of Andrea as looking for the weak link. Jeff is pissed about losing to a bland (in his opinion), hot ceviche. Tom rightly points out that Jeff's shrimp was pre-cooked, and thus not a true ceviche either. Jeff's, the judges agree, was the bland one; Josie's tasted more authentic.

Obviously, the judges knew what they were doing. They wanted to scare Stefan and they wanted Fabio there to make sure they didn't have to eliminate Stefan. But Jeff was the sacrificial lamb, and he gets the axe. It's a loss, he says too precisely, that will stick with him for at least a decade. So mark it on your calendars! See ya, Jeff, I grew to respect you this season but didn't expect you to take it all home.

Ask yourself this, as we close this week's action. Would any of the chefs left from this season distinguish themselves from the stiffs that were invited to participate from past seasons? Is there a Sam, or a CJ, or a Tre, or a Dale (or an other Dale, for that matter), or a Casey, or an Elia, or a Marcel, in the group of remaining chefs? They're all pretty middling as far as the combination of charisma and talent goes. Fabio kind of stands alone in that respect, and it's very possible that without sympathy generated by the bullshit attitude that Scott Conant threw at him at Judges' Table, he might have gotten eliminated this week.

Next week: RIPERT! And a sad return to Shitty Forced Analogy Land with Toby Young.

Plus some general housekeeping to follow

Since new folks may be reading at any time, I guess it would only be fair to explain what the hell I'm doing here.

I'm a librarian. I work in a prison. We offer interlibrary loan (ILL) to the inmates. Sometimes they request some truly amusing titles. This is a brief recap of the week's best (or most rife for humor, anyway). This week, I'll be catching up with some old requests as well.

Letters to Penthouse XVII: Sinfully Sexy and The Bowhunter's Guide to Accurate Shooting

-Neither are particularly hilarious, but it goes to show that despite being in a secure environment that restricts (among other things) pornography and weapons, guys will still request just about anything just in case I'm not paying attention.

Dog Book of Encyclopedia

-It's okay. You might think it's not nice to laugh at people who struggle to express themselves in writing. I'm here to tell you that as long as the person isn't standing right in front of you, you can. A little.

And actually, that's it. Guys haven't been requesting the really oddball stuff much lately. The Knitter's Companion is a little amusing, and the request that just came through for the children's book Mrs Piggle-Wiggle is pretty wacky, but I haven't had as much ammo in recent weeks. From now on, this'll be an "as inspiration hits" feature.

In other news, I'm just gonna plug a couple things:

@thebookpolice on Twitter

Articles for Isthmus|thedailypage.com (including a new Fringe Foods, and one on the opening of the first SONIC Drive-In in the Madison area)

And of course I'd appreciate any new members to my blog network for Facebook (the widget's kinda low down the right-hand column, so I never know if people know it's there). If you're a regular reader and a FB user, join up and say hi!

Keep on comin' back for Top Chef recaps on Thursdays, and plenty of other commentary.

Over at The Lost Community, we've been trying to nail down whether the intended effect of the frozen donkey wheel being turned is the same as what's happening on the Island post-turn (the whole record-skipping thing). I think I've come up with a theory that actually brings a little science into the discussion.

Remember Boggle? The little pod with dice with letters, and you shake the pod and the dice scramble, settle into a grid, and you make words?

Turning the frozen donkey wheel is equivalent to shaking the Boggle dome. It results in a noise, and even a reshuffling of the contents of the dome.

But what if some of the dice have been taken out of the dome? Then, when the dome is shaken, the remaining dice reshuffle but their interaction is changed because there aren't the same number of dice to bounce off of. When they settle, the resulting jumble cannot be directly correlated to that which pre-dated the last shake.

It's kind of like a muddle of Brownian motion, quantum mechanics, and a little bit of Schrödinger's cat.

The Island, as a Boggle dome, is trying to find a way to reshuffle the dice to make the grid make sense. It can't, and it keeps on shuffling and shuffling. Only when someone reinserts those remaining dice will the Island stop trying to resolve its error.

The question is, how does the Island determine what the correct number of occupants is? What's the marker? The destruction of the Swan, maybe? Is anyone (or anyone's body) other than the Oceanic 6 off-Island that was on-Island when the Swan went boom? Is Desmond not included in Ben's charge to bring everyone back because the rules don't apply to him? Since the Swan implosion was kind of what triggered his unusual spacetime status, is he not on the Island census as of that point in spacetime?

(This analogy was more fun when I was conflating Boggle and Trouble. I liked the idea of the Island "popping" rather than "shuffling" or "shaking." Oh well.)

~

For more of my thoughts on LOST, which are occasionally well-elucidated, click here.

I don't know if I can put my finger on it, but this episode of Top Chef did not feel like Restaurant Wars episodes of past seasons. Is Tom normally absent until tasting? I don't think so. Don't we tend to see more of the planning and decorating? What is this, a food show?

To everyone who called it and worried about it and hoped against it after last week's show, I can only say I'm sorry; you were right. The producers are indeed crafting The HoseL to be the overarching drama of the back half of the season. Blech.

The Quickfire opens with a lingering shot of an oven. Must be this week's highlighted sponsor. Padma introduces us to restaurateur Stephen Starr, operator of Buddakan and Morimoto among other luminaries. Here, Padma shows the influence of a British author ex-husband: no one says "restauranteur" but the Brits, Padma.

Everyone already knows what Padma says next: it's Restaurant Wars. So, I guess that means no Rocco this week, eh? (I'll make that joke every Restaurant Wars until the show ends, I don't care if it's not funny anymore) For the Quickfire, chefs, you'll be creating a tasting plate to impress the pants off your money, i.e. the restaurateur. The top two will be the owner/chefs of the forthcoming restaurants.

With 30 minutes and unfettered access to the Top Chef kitchen, the chefs do nothing but seafood. Okay, Fabio also includes a filet mignon sandwich in his lunch sampler plate (it's an aspect he wants to pursue in his restaurant, but it sounds like he says "aspic," which is another thing entirely).

Radhika complains that she doesn't like Quickfires, which is funny because she keeps winning them. Jamie, meanwhile, doesn't want to win because she knows she's more likely to go home as a leader than to win it all. That's the spirit, Jamie! Go team!

So Carla does cod, Hosea does shrimp, Leah makes poussin sound about as boring and detached as a chef ever could, Stefan does trout, Jeff grills some salmon, Jamie goes with (no, not scallops!) sea bass, and Fabio splits time between tuna and swordfish carpaccio and the aforementioned filet mignon sandwich that is definitely not a cheesesteak, no matter what Mr. Bigshot Stephen Starr calls it.

Jeff, whose salmon won't be blowing away any investors any time soon, and Fabio, whose passion doesn't translate into food that inspires an investment, find themselves at the bottom. The winners are Radhika (whose "global influence" food apparently represents a rising influence in cuisine...?), and in a total shocker to me at least, Leah (whose food is clean and forward-thinking).

What exactly does "Sunset Lounge" mean, anyway?

To begin the Elimination round, the team leaders make questionable and highly portentious picks for their Restaurant Wars staff. Leah immediately picks Hosea, while Radhika goes out of her way to not pick Stefan. So Team Leah/Hosea/Fabio/Stefan will go up against Team Radhika/Jamie/Carla/Jeff. There is clearly a talent pile-up on one side of this battle, but Team Three-Quarters Talented also has a black hole of suck for a leader.

Each team will get 30 minutes to plan, $5,000 to spend at Pier 1, and another $3,000 to shop for food. They'll be given six hours to prep, cook, and open. Radhika's team will draw inspiration from the old spice trade (does that run through India?), and takes the name "Sahana." Leah's team decides to go with an Asian influence (what did Tony Bourdain say about a pan-Asian approach?), but doesn't decide on a name until Stefan and Hosea brainstorm in the SEQUOIA and Stefan announces that "Sunset Lounge" is perfect! Um. It's fine, I guess?

Jeff refuses to do front of house. He's here to cook. PSSST...JEFF...you're winking and tossing your locks in the opening credits. Be the face, Prettyboy. Be like Fabio. Fabio grabs ahold of the front duties and runs with 'em. White suit, black shirt, thickened accent...he knows what's up. And Radhika, don't you know by now that if you want to find Carla in a store, you just shout "hootie"?

The decor is typically cheap; it's Pier 1. Good luck finding anything that isn't Asian-inspired there. Sahana goes with anything that doesn't look "Asian," which means their restaurant's gonna start looking like Noah's Ark if they're not careful. Stefan is a smart chef and remembers the lesson about scented candles. Leah is not a smart chef, and gives up on trying to dictate her vision to the members of her team. But no worries; Hosea's there to support her pariah complex and foment discord and tension on HIS OWN DAMNED TEAM. Moron. It was at this point in the evening that I wondered if Hosea wasn't the one to go tonight, for being distracted by being the bestest best friend in study hall.

And then the porn music starts. The peep-show hidden cameras whirr into life, and there's The HoseL, entwinted on a narrow sofa in the apartment after a long day of buying tchotchkes and battling Finns. Cue shloppy kissing noises. I'm wishing Bravo would go the Joe Millionaire route and provide us with a [slurp gulp slurp] on-screen caption. Because then I could plug my ears as Leah turns up the Joey Lauren Adams voice to full squeak.

The next morning, Hosea is shocked -- SHOCKED -- that it went as far as it did. He says they "flirted" too much. Hosea, buddy. I'm gonna break it to you. It's not "flirting" when there are noises like that, overmiked or not. But it's clear that the tension (It's not romantic tension, though! They've both got significant others!) is going to fuck with at least one of them in the kitchen.

I don't know anything about the Bridgewater Restaurant, where this week's prep and cooking occurs, but I think they might need to call in the Maytag -- err, GE -- repairman. No one's frozen items are freezing, and multiple ovens are misperforming. Meanwhile, Leah just can't get those bones out of her snapper (restraint...restraint...), and is forced to cut a big chunk out rather than properly deboning the fish.

Line of the night: Fabio, in discussing the many ways he will woo and wow the diners and judges, sums it up by saying that with his charm and guile, not to mention his white suit, Team Sunset Lounge could "serve monkey ass in empty clam shell" and still win. Fabio, I officially love you.

Radhika's flailing, on the other hand. She's not being enough of a leader, she's drifting through the kitchen without really doing anything, and when diner start arriving, she's obviously out of her element. She serves up commentary for each of Sahana's dishes in a rigid and nervous manner.

-Whole wheat nan (it's fine, but it could just be because the judges are hungry)
-Curried carrot soup with smoked paprika and raita
-Seared scallop over chickpea cake (loving it)
-White lentil tabouli and seared snapper with tomato water and pea shoots (no one wants their fish still swimming, but other than that it's tasty)
-Cinnamon and saffron braised lamb shank on a bed of couscous (couscous bad, lamb good, and it had even been frozen -- amazing!)
-Spiced chocolate cake with crème fromage and cashew brittle (no, no, and no)
-Fig and Minted frozen yogurts (with no spoons at the table, or apparently forthcoming, these melted desserts do NOT do Sahana or Carla in particular any favors)

I've given Toby Young a lot of leeway. He's establishing himself to the Top Chef audience. But I'm done. Officially. Toby, stop. The next time I hear you say "This (food item) is like," I'm going to mute the TV until you're off-camera.

Anyway, Radhika disappears for huge chunks of time, only appearing to make the guests feel stressed out and confused, and the judges decide to see if they can get up and leave without a good-bye or a thank you. They do. Ouch.

Cut to Fabio, melting hearts and lighting candles throughout the Sunset Lounge dining room. Clearly, there's a winner and a loser when it comes to front-of-house. He elocutes, in a luxuriously thick accent, the menu for his team:

-Vegetable roll of mushroom, carrots, and cabage with a sweet chili sauce (while the judges disliked it, one diner stated that "it amused my bouche," bomething tells me that was Fabio, not the egg roll)
-Tuna and salmon sashimi with radish salad (not bad, pretty bland though)
-Coconut curry shrimp bisque (meh, okay; sensing a theme to this menu?)
-Braised short ribs with ginger (well-cooked and demiglace'd)
-Seared black cod with cabbage (this was Leah's dish, and it's a total disaster: undercooked and accompanied by an inedibly salty sauce. The judges don't finish theirs, nor do they want a replacement serving)
-Chocolate rice parfait with grapefruit jelly (loved it, wanted more)
-Lemongrass and ginger panna cotta (terrific)
-Frozen mango, bitter chocolate, and ginger lollipop (this blows the judges away, innovative and perfect)

While Leah's announcement that she doesn't care that the fish was undercooked ("I thought it was cooked") would normally be enough to send someone home, I'm left with the clear thought that Stefan could win (for his desserts) off of the losing team, while Radhika (whose team's food seemed more well-received) could actually go home off of the winning team. Indeed, she says that going home is all she wants to do, although I think she just means the TC apartment. But the way the judges are talking about Fabio's service and Stefan's desserts, it's looking like Sunset Lounge could indeed get the win.

The mid-break vignette is silly and perfect, with no annoying HoseL action (although since it's taking up the main plot now, I'm not sure I like the trade-off). Jeff is apparently a freaky magician, and it blows folks away in the stew room. Stefan and Fabio share a confessional again, which I love.

To begin Judges' Table, Padma calls out Sunset Lounge. By a slim margin, the diners actually preferred their food. Obviously, that's because the desserts were so much better; best final impression goes on the scorecard. The judges make no mistake about it: Fabio and Stefan won this for Leah's team. Her cod, on the other hand, was terrible and should have cost her the competition. Instead, she stays and Stefan gets another win (plus wouldn't you know it, a full suite of GE Monogram appliances!). Stefan, send out the meat.

Radhika, your team lost. What went wrong? "I'm not sure." What the hell, Radhika? You couldn't have thought up a better excuse than "I'm not sure" while sitting in the stew room? For that, you deserve the absolute reaming that the judges proceed to give you. Sure, Carla's desserts were awful, and she should have accepted help when offered it, and she busts out some crazy that almost makes the guest judges want to inflict violence upon her, but other than one brief moment when I thought it might be Carla, it's Radhika's loss from the first word. Carla, "keep the 'love' in the kitchen and send out good desserts." Radhika, you're toast.

Next week, Top Chef All-Stars! Is it any wonder that Carla loves Andrew?

Too perfect to be accidental. That's how I'd describe the trailer for the new Clive Owen/Naomi Watts murder thriller, The International. It's about a corrupt bank, who has no qualms about offing any potential threats to its financial security and dominance.

The trailer begins with people typing in requests at ATMs. The text over the screen reads, "YOU GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY....YOU TRUST THEM....BUT WHAT IF THEY USED YOUR MONEY....FOR SOMETHING ELSE" and then the ATM blows up.

Headline at ABCNews.com: "WHERE DID TAXPAYER MONEY GO? PANEL SLAMS TREASURY".

This is even better than Clint Eastwood's grumpy old man movie. For a movie greenlit in 2007, the studio couldn't be more lucky with the marketing angle the current economy has given them.

One of the best gags of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, by the way. The fact that he can't hear any version of "shave and a hair-cut," whether spoken or percussed or hummed, without belting out the finale of the jingle. Predates Cartman's fixation on "Come Sail Away" by years and years.

ANYWAY, that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing to tell you that, should any minor earthquake, small-engine plane crash, water main explosion, or ill-timed sneeze occur tomorrow, this might be my final blog post.

I'm getting a free straight-razor shave at Overture in conjunction with their coming production of Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Rob Thomas from 77 Square got one last weekend, and for the first time in roughly 100 shaves, the barber made an errant slice. The barber is Stephen Baraboo, who recently opened Thorps barber shop on Atwood. I took note of this place last week during a run to Alchemy for a birthday party, and it looks cool. (Were I not hooked in to Blues on Willy, I'd consider it)

I'm not the most hirsute fella you've ever seen, so I'm hoping a shave of this nature isn't made more challenging by mediocre scruff. I'm going to be on 50+ hours of no-shaving, and I probably won't look much hairier than Shaggy's chin. My friend, who'll be dulling the razor before me, is a friggin' bear. We'll look like Lurch and Cousin It walking in.

Mostly, I kid. I'm not really concerned, nor do I think the barber's got a habit of dropping the razor. I feel pretty bad for him that it happened on-camera (watch the video though, it's fascinating to see such a small slip result in a cut like that). It's funny, because I don't have any interest at all in Sweeney Todd. But damned if I don't want to get a Bluephie's meat pie afterwards.

What did I say two episodes ago, after the Top Chef Christmas Miracle?

Dishes based on the verses of the 12 Days of Christmas is topical, interesting, and potentially challenging. But it goes beyond being challenging when you only let the chefs shop at Whole Foods.

T-minus ONE MOTHERF**KING WEEK and I cannot WAIT. Shit.

Anyway, I made a LOST playlist for my iPod (a matte black 80GB named Ichabod in case you're wondering) last year, and it seemed timely to share it now. The songs go roughly in chronological order with the events of the series, and I've included salient lyrics for the songs that didn't appear on the show.

1. Gnarls Barkley, "St. Elsewhere"
   "Anywhere you sit you can see the sun/ Unfortunately on this island I'm the only one"
   "Way over yonder there's a new frontier/ Would it be so hard for you to come and visit me here?"
   
2. Pearl Jam, "Tremor Christ"
   "winded is the sailor/ drifting by the storm/ wounded is the organ he left all/ bloodied on the shore/ gorgeous was his savior, sees her/ drowning in his wake/ daily taste the salt of her tears, but/ a chance blamed fate"
   
3. Joe Purdy, "wash away (Reprise)"
   
4. Bobby Darin, "Beyond the Sea"
   
5. The Police, "Invisible Sun""There has to be an invisible sun/ That gives us hope when the whole day’s done"
   "And they’re only going to change this place by/ Killing everybody in the human race"
   
6. Modest Mouse, "Missed the Boat"
   "Looking towards the future/ We were begging for the past/ Well we knew we had the good things/ But those never seemed to last"
   
7. Bob Marley and the Wailers, "Redemption Song"
   
8. Cass Elliot, "Make Your Own Kind of Music"
   
9. Three Dog Night, "Shambala"
   
10. Alice in Chains, "Man in the Box"
    "I'm the man in the box/ Buried in my shit/ Won't you come and save me?"
    
11. Bad Religion, "Come Join Us"
    "Don't you see the trouble that most people are in/ And that they just want you for their own advantage/ But I swear to you we're different from all of them/ Come and join us"
    
12. Jem, "They"
    "Who are they?/ Where are they?/ How can they possibly know all this?"
    
13. John Butler Trio, "Company Sin"
    "Ben got a job at the mine along the way/ He said everything was fine until that fateful day"
    "It's not his land, they're not his songs/ He can't work out why he don't belong"
    
14. Bad Religion, "Them and Us"
    "But he didn't know who they were/ and he didn't know who we were/ and there wasn't any reason or motive, or value, to his story/ just allegory, imitation glory/ and a desperate feeble search for a friend"
    
15. The Beach Boys, "Good Vibrations"
    
16. A Perfect Circle, "3 Libras"
    "Difficult not to feel a little bit/ Disappointed and passed over/ When I look right through/ See you naked but oblivious/ And you don't see me"
    
17. Disturbed, "Land of Confusion"
    "Now did you read the news today/ They say the danger's gone away/ But I can see the fires still alight/ They're burning into the night"
    
18. Gnarls Barkley, "The Boogie Monster"
    "I've got a monster in my closet/ Someone's underneath my bed/ The wind's knocking at my window/ I'd kill it but it's already dead"
    
19. Buddy Holly, "Everyday"
    
20. Trust Company, "Downfall"
    "Stay in place, you'll be the first to see/ me heal these wounds"
    
21. CKY, "Familiar Realm"
    "Fortune isn't fame; you've entered a familiar realm/ If they've told you who to be, you've entered a familiar realm"
    
22. Patsy Cline, "Walkin' After Midnight"
    
23. Beck, "Missing"
    "I dragged all that I owned/ Down a dirt road to find you/ My shoes worn out and used/ They can't take me much farther"
    

The awesome and talented M. Patrizio tagged me on her site earlier tonight. The challenge is (for those of you who are unfamiliar) to list X random things about yourself--in this case, seven.

I'm completely honored and surprised by the tag; I still don't feel like I'm part of the creative community, even a year after taking up the metaphorical pen and paper for Isthmus. I know the Internet shortens the distance between people on both the X and Y axis, but it's still cool. Thanks, Marilyn!

Anyway, like my tagger I too have been tagged a couple times, so some of these might be familiar to Facebook friends:

1) Back in my single-digit younger days, I only barely escaped an exploding VW Bug.

2) I won the Neenah (WI) Spelling Bee in 6th grade. I went out on "rationale" in the sectionals. It's very possible that my fly was down throughout the entire city bee.

3) Perhaps the goofiest and most aloof of my college friends sat me down for a talk that pretty much turned my life around. Not coincidentally, that was within the same week I met my current girlfriend/fiancee/lady. Just over 11 years ago. I think the talk stuck.

4) Working in a prison is very interesting and yet completely unfulfilling. I am constantly amazed that I'm getting paid to write, and would do it full-time in a second if it would pay the bills.

5) The farthest out of the country I've ever been is the Caribbean. This kind of bums me out.

6) I can only listen to a little Death Cab for Cutie at a time. Age and death scare the piss out of me. I start to get scared and deeply sad if I think about either one too much.

7) Today I got the draft copy of the officiant's script for the wedding. Even after 11 years, it was really pretty cool seeing vows with my name and hers in them.

Of course, I'm supposed to tag 7 other people to complete this little task. Guess that's my eighth thing: even if I like the chain, something inside me spits the bit when it comes to forwarding it on. So if you're interested, I'm interested. This is your invitation to leave any number of random tidbits in the comments. But please, tell me who you are for this one!

I'm generally a spoiler-phobe. Don't spoil LOST for me or I'll crush you, that sort of thing. It's an extension of the "don't talk during the show or I'll hit you during the commercial break" concept.

But there are some spoilers (not LOST-related), and eventually non-spoilers for anyone who's watching the show, that threaten to ruin me for a particular program.

I do not want to be come Internet-averse. But even the TV will kill me eventually, unless I can get to the Mute button before any commercials air.

This is gonna be rough.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let me be very clear about what I write here: this story is about me and what's going on in my brain, and not about anyone else or the value of their actions or opinions. No judgment, animosity, ingratitude, or ill will should be imputed to the commentary below.)

It's been years since my last confession. Last night, I went to Olive Garden.

It really has been years since the last trip to the OG. Probably a good three or four at least. Maybe more, and likely fewer than three trips in the last 10 years. Like Famous Dave's, Olive Garden is a once-regular chain haunt for me and mine that has fallen into dissatisfaction if not disrepute.

Coming to Madison in 2003 was quite an experience for me. I was reborn as a much more conscious eater (and restaurant patron), and developed into something of a foodie in the process.

So if I sound like I'm apologizing for going to Olive Garden last night--and I pretty much am apologizing--it's because I feel like I'm committing a betrayal much worse than even any McRib or bowl of Noodles pesto cavatappi could ever perpetrate.

And I don't want to seem the snob. Despite being occasionally accused of such, I really don't try to judge people for liking Red Lobster or Chili's. I loathe Joe Queenan for being That Guy. I own a couple of those Top Secret Restaurant Recipes cookbooks, for crying out loud.

But when we received a $25 Olive Garden gift certificate for Christmas, I still felt like I'd been handed a hot car stereo. Who saw me accept this?, I thought in a panicked mental monologue.

There was gratitude though, too, and no intention of discarding it on principle or pawning it off to a less discriminating potential diner. We live in Madison, they live elsewhere; the logical choice in a dining gift is to go chain. It was a gift, ultimately received gratefully.

I've developed such a blind spot for Olive Garden that I drove right past the Madison east side location (it's also very poorly signed, but I choose to go with the more esoteric explanation for missing it). We walked in and were seated promptly.

One thing was made abundantly clear throughout the experience: Olive Garden doesn't hold up to the memory of younger (and frankly, dumber) days. The salad? It's 75% iceberg lettuce and insufficiently dressed. Two olives graced the bowl. The breadsticks? Okay, the breadsticks were fine. But they're breadsticks, and insufficient in quantity anyway. Man doth not live by et cetera, et cetera.

The melted cheese glob (sorry, smoked mozzerella fonduta) we ordered as an appetizer was pretty unappetizing. It tasted like a burned herb (not that herb, children); we were thinking oregano. I was unhappy because the bread that accompanied it had caraway seeds on it. Blech. Clearly, we should have stuck with our old roots and gotten the toasted ravioli.

Again, I have to reiterate that I'm really not a food snob. While Kristine's capellini pomodoro (an old favorite) was disappointing when held up to recollection, my chianti-braised beef short ribs were in fact pretty acceptable. Atop a portobello risotto (good) and topped by green beans and julienned carrots (uh, no), the four big chunks of beef were indeed tender and not too fatty. If it tastes good, you're splitting hairs if you deny that it is good just because it's not classy.

But our dinner was carried out with poorly timed service, and the table next to us didn't appear to know what "ravioli" was. The server for that table described the "mezzalunas" as "kind of like pockets of pasta," then stopped, and then asked if the ladies ever watched Martha Stewart. I kid you not. Maybe he didn't know what ravioli was.

Just to further highlight how Olive Garden doesn't hold up over time, my leftovers were really quite disappointing. When we left, I said to Kristine, "Let's never go here again." Unless we get another gift certificate, we shall go and sin no more.

I'm not the first blogger or TV watcher or movie buff to notice this, but I can't help but laugh at the trailer for Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino.

The moment where he's standing there with a shotgun trained on some neighborhood thugs is supposed to be all tense and serious and weighty, but I hear him growl "Get off my lawn," and I crack the fuck up. Every time.

It's a very Simpsons moment. They've parodied Dirty Harry before, with the McGarnagle meta-movie character. I can hear it: "McGarnagle 17: Respect Your Elders. Coming soon!"

As the sun rises on a new year, and new episodes of Top Chef, the harsh light of day reveals that man, some of these chefs just don't belong here. And it becomes even harder, upon watching reruns, that chefs already dismissed really sucked.

It's a small class of decent chef this season, and I usually don't make that kind of critique because they're all still usually better than me. Danny? Jill? Wow. The suck, it hurts.

So pair that harsh light of day with a traditional Italian breakfast of SPAM and pork'n'beans from Fabio, and you've got a rough-ass start to your day if you're some of those Chefs of Weak Sauce. The demeanors of the chefs in the opening segment are pretty indicative of their overall personality. Eugene: surly. Melissa: bewildered. Hosea: ROCKIN'! Stefan: arrogant. Jamie: mopey.

The Quickfire this week was so perfunctory and lame that I'm not going to spend much time on it. Guest judge Jean-Christophe Novelli (who actually is a pastry chef!) will have a new show on Bravo, thus the appearance. Diet Dr. Pepper is a new sponsor this year, thus both the name and jist of the challenge. Create a tasty dessert with absolutely zero added sugar.

French Guy (as he will now be known, seeing as his personality is pretty anonymous) is frankly a harsher judge in the QF than one Toby Young will turn out to be. Ariane's whipped cream is an embarrassment, Fabio (who pins the criticism on the rivalry between France and Italy) didn't cook his cream enough, Jamie's was "interesting," but not in a good way.

Carla's bananas are bland, Ariane's crepes lack a twist, and Jamie's cheese overpowers everything else. Leah's balsamic reduction over her crepes is a great touch, and Jeff's cherry and fig yogurt with cardamom and cinnamon is very good, but Radhika's white peach and roasted cashew bread pudding takes the win, and another dosage of immunity for the non-Indian Indian chef.

A British is coming!

Most of the chefs know who Toby Young is. Fabio and Stefan, naturally, appear to have the most understanding, as Fabio calls him "really bad-ass." Eugene (who gets to use the SIDEKICK LX to call home this week, cue ominous music) has no clue; will it be blissful ignorance, or like stepping into a bear trap? The new challenge will honor his arrival and allow him to get to know all of the chefs. They don't get to know the challenge until Tom pops into the apartment the next morning.

I really like the way this week's service and judging was organized. Tom tells the chefs that the judging will be blind, and that the food will be served family-style with no indication as to who made what dish. It's a reboot of reputation and amnesty of sorts for prior bad acts, at least as far as Toby's concerned. The judges, plus a panel of foodies and critics, will be the diners; service will be divided into two groups (Radhika will get to pick which group she cooks with). Oh yeah, and two chefs will be dismissed. Christmas spirit is for Christmas, bitches.

It becomes very clear that the $100 and 30 minutes allowed for this do-whatcha-like challenge will be used by almost everyone to find the most boring-ass seafood imaginable. Two chefs -- TWO CHEFS -- use a protein other than seafood; surprise surprise, it's Fabio and Stefan. It's amazing to me that there's that much of a fundamental difference in the confidence levels of young (or old, Ariane) American chefs and European ones. But it's clear that many of the Yanks just don't have enough bravado to take such an open-ended challenge at a full gallop. The few exceptions are remarkable.

Everyone heads off to the Astor Center after shopping. The first service group heads to the kitchen. Moments later, the second group arrives in streets and walks surprisedly into the dining room. Turns out that group of foodie critics will be the other half of the contestants. Very cool! And since it's blind, they won't have their usual likes/dislikes to fall back on in judging the dishes.

(The line of the night is "for Christ sake," as we get to see Fabio use it twice. Once, regarding Jamie's scallop fascination, and again in the vignette wherein we see him struggling mightily with his pasta roller.)

Group A (Hosea, Jamie, Fabio, Eugene, Melissa, and Radhika, who only wanted to be on whatever team Stefan wasn't) comes out on the heels of the servers, and meets the full panel. Their mostly meaningless presence at the table is explained by the TV that appears in the kitchen when they return; they'll get to watch the dinner on secret hidden camera. Again, very cool.

Radhika
-Spicy crab bisque with crab salad
-Stefan hates it (it's been clear for weeks that these two just don't like each other), but the purity of his judgment is defended by every other diner at the table who also hates it. Toby drops the WMD line we've been seeing in the promos. Not that funny.

Hosea
-Bacon-wrapped halibut with roasted vegetables
-Clear consensus is that the veggies upstage the fish, and too much was forced into this dish.

Jamie
-Scallops with fennel and garlic cream
-She wants to redeem her scallops from last week. Doesn't make as much sense when everything's blind, but whatever. Everyone likes 'em, especially French Guy. The fennel is appreciated by the diners.

Fabio
-Lamb sous vide with mushrooms and ravioli
-Again, we have another chef in the kitchen freaking out at rare lamb. That's how good lamb is supposed to be served, you fucking morons! How is this such a big deal?? Argh! Anyway, this time it might be a little off, but I can't really trust the other chefs on this, since they're the ones displaying this apparent ignorance about lamb. The mushrooms and pasta are delightful, however.

Eugene
-Seared whole red snapper with daikon "fettuccine" and tomato basil sauce
-Impressive presentation of the whole fish, face and all, doesn't make up for a bizarre dish. How these ingredients can tally up to Toby's "bland leading the bland" is beyond me, but I don't question it. Eugene's a total impostor here. He's a visual artist, not a chef. He thinks he's "top dog" in terms of creativity and originality. Great! Now cook something good.

Melissa
-Ahi tuna tacos
-No, that's not a typo. That's what she did. Wet, very fishy, and completely boring. Toby thinks they taste like cat food. That was a really cutting critique...when Tony Bourdain used it on Sara's salmon in the airplane food episode from two years ago. But he does peg that she lacks any confidence in her chops. Toby's final comment is that "You could smell it in a way that wasn't pleasant."

Now that Group A has served, Group B heads back to the kitchen. Each group gets something of an advantage, in that Group B knows what Group A (generally) has cooked before they make their own, and Group A knows what each chef said about their own dishes.

Stefan
-Duck breast with dumplings and cabbage
-Hello, Germany! The dumplings are dense, but when aren't they? Duck's good, cabbage has a boatload of flavor. Fabio likes it, as does Tom.

Jeff
-Tapas trio of oyster, prosciutto-wrapped ricotta salata, and tuna with avocado sorbet
-Interesting. All this blank canvas, and this is how you represent yourself? Typical Miami. The approach infuriates Tom, but Toby loves it all kinds of ways. French Guy loves the sorbet (he would).

Ariane
-Skate wing with cauliflower puree, pineapple, and crispy capers
-Who bought Ariane cooking lessons for Christmas? I hear "skate wing" and "crispy capers" and I'm immediately impressed. She looked downright competent in the kitchen, too. French Guy loves loves LOVES it. This is a seafood choice that isn't born of meekness.

Leah
-Crusted rouget with beans and chorizo
-Leah chose to do a dish she'd never done before. Smart, kiddo! ::eyeroll:: You can call it rouget, or you can call it mullet. It's still white fish and it's still boring. Toby liked it, others didn't. ZZZ.

Carla
-Scallops with pea risotto and a mint gremolata
-When people are picking raw garlic out of their mouths, you've gone too far. And by "people," I mean "everyone." Carla had wanted to do a vegetarian dish (why?), but felt that a lack of protein would be a demerit. So she (randomly?) picked scallops. Hosea was fine with the scallops, but no one else liked anything else about her dish, including the somewhat odd use of risotto as more of a garnish than a centerpiece.

The judges liked the second group more, but everyone agrees that this has been a very informative and useful session of unconventional Top Chef dining. Jamie's feeling good (rightfully), Melissa's worried (rightfully), but I'm concerned about Jeff. Padma comes out to retrieve the chefs behind the skate, the duck, and the scallops with fennel. Clearly, this is the winning group.

Toby appreciates the unapologetically German duck and dumpling combo. The duck was cooked perfectly. Ariane's skate wing impressed everyone. Tom makes a comment about how she cooked things, and it's clear she's not going to win due to Tom's opinion of her previous work (tomato salad, deviled eggs). So much for blind judging.

No, this night would be won by Jamie's scallops redux. The combination of fennel, orange, and the caramelization of the seared scallops makes everyone happy, and they award her the win for this week. At long last, she gets one. Stefan manages to sneak in a cheek kiss, the dog.

Leah gets to send out the non-Radhika group (since she'd obviously be going home had she not won immunity) of Carla, Eugene, and Melissa. Ouch! Whom to dismiss, whom to dismiss.

Clearly, Carla's "guess I'll add scallops" plan betrays how disjointed and random her dishes can be. That much garlic, too raw, is also an obvious flaw. Melissa's trying to be positive about the "I really want to be here" thing, and how educational this was. But her lesson learned is that she should have done something entirely different. Oof. Lastly, Eugene. The little poseur thought he was overreaching, while the judges call him out for under-producing. He stands behind his cooked daikon/tomato/basil combo, in what is clearly a terminal case of Danny-itis.

The final summaries don't look good for Melissa and Carla. Toby stands up for the potential displayed by Eugene (which would be the coup of the century in this blind tasting thing). But in the end, Melissa and Eugene are shown the door. It was the right pick for right now. Carla can go next week.

Speaking of next week, we all get Hung! And...a petting zoo? Stay tuned!

Once upon a time, I read about Murayoshi charcoal products. It was in Men's Health, or GQ, or some such silliness. It's pretty awesome stuff, though. Oak wood carbonized in whole logs rather than little chunks.

So way back when, I sent Murayoshi an e-mail. They encourage it on the website, to determine pricing and shipping costs. It got bounced back, mailbox full. Sent another one a couple weeks later. The same response.

Repeat that 4 times over the last year or so, and you've got my current situation. Does anyone know of another US retailer of bincho charcoal? Or how to get through to Murayoshi?

Welcome back to ILLin' like a villain, which took some well-deserved time off for the holidays. Unfortunately, the silly requests have tapered off a bit, so I'll have to make hay with these!

The Book of Ceremonial Magic: The Secret Tradition in Goetia
by Arthur Edward Waite

-I was sure I read the subtitle as "The Secret Tradition in Goetta," which would have been a decidedly non-magical tome. ::shudder::

Alaska Seafood Industry Room and Board Job Guide
by Kwasi Malezi

-Not sure what's more interesting about this request: that the inmates don't have cable and yet are drawn to the Deadliest Catch mystique, or that the author (by virtue of his name alone) appears to be African. I've never seen an African person on Deadliest Catch.

The Guide to Becoming the Sensuous Black Woman
by Miss T.

-I betcha I know what that 'T' stands for... Did I mention that I work in an all-male facility?

A Rookie's Guide to Buying or Selling a Pool Table
by Mose Duane

-Look for a request next week for the companion volume, "And Cramming It Into a 9'x12'."

(this has to be some kind of record, by the way. three posts in one day? what's gotten into me?)

I thought about sending this out into the Twitterverse, but felt it needed a more proper venue.

Does it bother anyone else that Billy Mays is now hawking insurance, glue that can allegedly repair parachutes, and stain remover?

Kristine and I hit the streets today, around 1:30 (despite no hangovers, we slept in very late). First up, lunch. I called ahead, and confirmed that the elusive Mermaid Cafe was open for business. Yay! They've got fussy weekday hours, and when so many of our weekends are occupied by trips to Appleton, it's just plain hard to get there.

We were very happy with this, our first visit to the Mermaid. Half-sandwich of the New Delhi Deli for her, Bahn Mi for me (ba-DUM). Tasty. My hot apple cider went most perfectly with the sweet/tangy roast beef bánh mì.

The most noteworthy thing, however, was how insanely busy they were. IN-SANELY. We got there with two people in line in front of us, and before we could even order, five more people filed in behind us. Plus, the folks already there who were waiting for their coffee refills to finish brewing.

After a very enjoyable lunch, we moseyed over to Target for some essentials. Again, we found our destination to be buzzing with human activity. At least eight registers were open, lines at them all.

At this point, I finally remembered why I had wanted to venture to State Street earlier that morning, and to the downtown we went. I decided along the way that a lovely beverage from Jamba Juice was in order. We got some prime parking and went to Jamba first.

While almost empty, and while the clerks there looked mighty bored, they were indeed open. I got my drink, and we walked toward The Soap Opera. This is what we noticed:

Bop: closed.
Gap: closed.
The Soap Opera: closed.
Pop Deluxe: closed.
Noodles: closed.
Little Luxuries: closed.
Jazzman: closed.
Himal Chuli: closed.
Parthenon: blessedly and reliably open.
(Incidentally, Weary Traveler and Blues on the way to Mermaid: also closed)

Frustrated, we continued west to Monroe St.

Orange Tree Imports: closed.
Brasserie V: closed.
Trader Joe's: closed.

Additionally, Savoir Faire and Beauty Blossoms were closed on the far west side. Archiver's was open, and business was brisk, as was the Greenway Station Starbucks.

What's going on here? Is this a holiday or something?

Jokes aside, this is a little strange. One would think that, if nothing else, Gap and Trader Joe's would be open as they're chain operations and would likely fall outside of the individual discretion of the manager to close up. The mall's open; every other Gap location must be open. Right?

The only thing we could come up with was the economy. It's a shitty economy. Proprietors are looking to save costs, and New Year's Day is apparently viewed as a low-reward calendar day.

This is almost logical, except look at the places we went! Starbucks, Archiver's, Target, Mermaid Cafe: all open, all packed with money-spending humanity. Are the other places letting hype get to them? Or is the local economy really that bad?

Suffice it to say, we're staying in and making a shitty frozen pizza for dinner rather than risk finding a locked door at whatever joint we might have decided to patronize. Have faith, Madison. People still have some money to spend.

A great ad, amplified by a perfect song choice and a graphic design that is pure brilliance on an HD set.

It's too bad that "Let It Out (Let It All Hang Out)" by The Hombres isn't nearly as captivating in its original recording form as it is when run through the digitizer for Discovery. Kind of a tiny, tinny little song in comparison to the Big Sound version in the ad. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't buy every song that appears on a cool commercial.