[Dig this recap from @alexinmadison and @swoonqueen of Twitter fame. Thanks, ladies! --Ed.]

In keeping with the Irony or Mayo Top Chef recap tradition, @swoonqueen and I took our sweet time compiling and editing our thoughts on this week’s episode. I know that Kyle is especially proud of this. Also, we were trying to take advantage of technology by using GoogleWave--so we were sitting next to each other on the sofa, not speaking, and working on our respective laptops. We’re so “plugged in.”

So, without further delay, here is our stream-of-consciousness review of last night’s Top Chef:

@swoonqueen: Yeah…I’m not currently using Twitter because ppl live tweet about TC. Manners, ppl!

@alexinmadison: Totally annoying, btw. I hate when ppl live tweet a show. Have they no tivo?? Rly?

@alexinmadison: Let’s get this party started!

@swoonqueen: su weet

[“previously on”…]

@swoonqueen: I don’t like seeing those who have gone before. *sadface*

[“getting ready” montage…]

@alexinmadison: Angelo’s is polishing his shoes… better than the constant ego polishing he usually does.

[introduction of Quickfire…including some discussion of ethics in DC, the “toothpick” rule for lobbyist luncheons, and the introduction of the guest judge who looks like Ryan Seacrest but is really Congressman Aaron Schock. Oh…and it’s a “high-stakes” challenge with the winner getting $20K.]

@swoonqueen: They keep focusing on Angelo during the ethics conversation.

@alexinmadison: Well, he is Svengali after all.

@alexinmadison: So…wait…it’s a “toothpick challenge?” WTH? They’re supposed to create a dish “packs the punch” of an entrée and put it on a stick? And someone is going home with $20K for that effort.

@swoonqueen: Lobbyists buy themselves tons of laws without toothpicks. ($20K for toothpick food is not ethical.)

@swoonqueen: Amanda “doesn’t really have an idea.” Andrea goes for chicken and waffles. And Angelo harks back to 1975 with shrimp and cashew in a cucumber cup.

@alexinmadison: *face-palm*

@swoonqueen: Parasol! Umami! (Ed)

@alexinmadison: Tuna TWO WAYS (Ed)

@swoonqueen: To sum up: Padma is wearing clamdiggers; Alex’s food had too many flavors; Ed’s food looked better than it tasted. Kelly’s lacked flavor; Angelo’s throw-back hors d’ouevre was like “fireworks in [his] mouth” (thank you, Congressman, for THAT image.)

@alexinmadison: And Angelo wins with his crappy cucumber cup! Ugh.

[“back at the house” montage where they try desperately to fabricate a romance between Ed and Tiffany. Andrea's the key rumor-monger in this scenario. Go figure.]

[introduction of Elimination Challenge in which we learn that Angelo’s been living under a rock…]

@swoonqueen: The Power Lunch - an old-skool political tradition.

@alexinmadison: And a “knife-pull” for very old-skool proteins!

[Amanda & Kelly get porterhouse steak; Alex & Steven get salmon; Andrea & Tiffany get swordfish; Angelo & Ed get lobster; Kenny & Kevin get lamb]

@swoonqueen: Everyone is sounding confident. Could be a bad sign.

@alexinmadison: Amanda’s an idiot – she’s a) never cooked a porterhouse and b) she’s going to debone it. *face-palm*

@swoonqueen: Um…Angelo’s doesn’t know what a power lunch is?? Rly?

@alexinmadison: *face-palm*

@swoonqueen: Okay….what have we got here? Andrea’s jumping right in with what promises to be a bad idea – vanilla bean mustard beurre blanc. Alex has so many ideas for his salmon that he simply can’t decide what to do.

@alexinmadison: How hard is it to figure out a lunch dish with salmon?

@alexinmadison: Kelly’s going for an old-skool preparation to go with her porterhouse – salted and grilled. And she’s sporting a real attitude about Amanda. She basically called Amanda stupid for forgetting her salt & pepper. Kelly refuses to share. Bwahahaha! And Amanda’s making porterhouse TWO WAYS. Oh…excuse me…it’s a DUO.

@swoonqueen: Holy crap! Is that Cillian Murphy? ;)

[@alexinmadison: It’s really Bruce Bozzi of the Palm Restaurant]

@swoonqueen: “My whole game plan is based around pea puree.” – Alex

@alexinmadison: Wait…I’m confused… I thought he didn’t have a plan.

@swoonqueen/@alexinmadison: TOM’S IN THE KITCHEN!

@alexinmadison: I love Tom. He’s such a smartass.

@swoonqueen: Angelo gets bloody – surprisingly, it’s self-inflicted.

@alexinmadison: “Where’s my pea puree? Where’s my pea puree?” Freakin’ broken record, Ed. Just make something else!

[the constant focus on the pea puree indicates that there’s going to be some drama around this issue.]

@swoonqueen: The guest judges are:

Senator Mark Warner (D-VA); 
Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough of “Morning Joe” 
John Podesta, President of Center for American Progress; 
Bruce Bozzi (aka: Cillian Murphy), Executive VP of the Palm;
 
Kelly O'Donnell, NBC Capitol Hill Correspondent; 
Luke Russert, NBC Correspondent; 
Savannah Guthrie, NBC White House Correspondent; and 
Art Smith, chef/owner Art & Soul and Top Chef Masters competitor.

@alexinmadison: Time to sum up:

Amanda’s deconstructed porterhouse wins praise for seasoning and doneness. Kelly’s porterhouse is over-salted.

Tiffany’s swordfish is slightly overcooked but her olive-raisin tampenade is a hit. Andrea's vanilla mustard sauce bums out everyone but Padma who likes the overdose of vanilla. [@alexinmadison: *gag*]

The judges damn-near wet themselves over the pea puree underneath Alex’s salmon. We are offered editing that implies that Alex is getting credit for Ed’s awesome sauce. GASP! *Queue the dramatic music* Stephen’s salmon is “a mess.”

Angelo puts some disgusting-looking lobster “foam” on top of his dish. That pretty much kills it for the guest judges – at which point we learn that Morning Joe isn’t a “foam guy.” (TMI?) Plus the lobster is chewy. Ed’s lobster is good, as is the eggplant thingy that he made to replace his STOLEN pea puree.

[Scarborough remembers the good old days of his time in the House of Representatives, when everyone was eating huge steaks, smoking cigars, and interns were showing up dead in everyone's offices...ah, good times. --Ed.]

Kevin and Kenny cart out their lamb dishes. Both are forgettable.

@swoonqueen: So…there’s lots of kitchen gossiping about Alex stealing Ed’s pea puree. Tiffany shows grace and class by refusing to pass on the rumor when asked.

@alexinmadison: Pea-Gate. It’s like the Lewinski scandal all over again. Who has pea puree stains on their apron?

@swoonqueen: Padma calls Alex, Tiffany, and Ed to the judges’ chambers.

@alexinmadison: Bottom three!

[beat]

@swoonqueen/@alexinmadison: HUH?

@swoonqueen: Um…yeah…they’re the top three. Okay. Tiffany’s crying a little because she was SO convinced that her overcooked fish was going to get her eliminated. Very endearing.

@alexinmadison: Holy crap the judges are *insert inappropriate euphemism here* all over Alex (Ed’s?) pea puree. Ed looks like he’s going to slice someone’s throat right there on national TV.

@swoonqueen: The House Ethics Committee is going to be all over this.

@alexinmadison: And ALEX WINS! Cut to Kenny in the Stew Room, who looks like he’s about to go medieval on someone’s ass.

@swoonqueen: And the bottom three are… Kelly, Andrea, and Kevin.

@alexinmadison: In summary: Kevin’s lamb sucked and his concasse (what the hell is that?) was too hot. Andrea’s couscous was “too gloopy” (Art) and she used too much vanilla. When Andrea says she “makes this dish every day”, Gail retorts, “If we wanted to taste the food that you cook every day, we'd go to your restaurant.” ZA-ZING! Kelly used too much salt.

[An explanation of concasse. --Ed.]

@swoonqueen: Pause for dramatic effect…”Andrea, please pack your knives and go.”

@alexinmadison: Woohoo!! She was driving me nuts!

Next week on Top Chef: Cooking Inter-nas-io-NAL and Alex is everyone’s target.

Bravo did a survey in which 90% of the respondents believe that Alex stole Ed’s pea puree. Go here to read Tom Colichio’s blog post on the subject: The Peas that Split.

Until next time…
Your pals in food,
@alexinmadison and @swoonqueen

While I'm off dining it up with my wife and some of her coworkers, I'm happy to tell you that my friends Alex (@alexinmadison) and Bessie (@swoonqueen) are diligently watching Top Chef and will be authoring this week's recap.

Thanks, ladies--and enjoy!

It's been a good run for me and my belly lately. This week stands to continue that trend:

-Wednesday: La Brioche True Food for the first time (and it's Restaurant Week, too)
-Thursday: a new guest-post at Forkful of News
-Friday: another round of dinner experimentation--char siu-style smoked pork spare ribs with fried bean sprouts

Plus, more to come on these pages very soon!

Yeah, so, remember what I said about Angelo being a creepy dude? How he was basically gathering the immortal souls of his fellow contestants to fuel his infernal machinations? How he'd already absorbed Tracey's essence, and now he was after Tamesha?

That's Svengali 2, Goodness of Humanity 0.

There was, of course, an hour of cookery and whatnot that occurred between curtain-up and lights-out. Y'know, if you're interested in that sort of thing. (But let's not forget that Andrea refers to Angelo as "the one who tries to possess peoples' minds" during the mid-break vignette; the villagers are starting to turn on the mad scientist.)

Angelo kicks off the hour by talking about his constantly shifting strategy--the one that always results in Southeast Asian flavors. Then we meet Andrea's arch-nemesis: guest judge Michelle Bernstein, also of Miami and also kinky-haired and blonde. Bernstein will preside over a freaky protein Quickfire Challenge. Emu eggs, rattlesnake, duck testicles that aren't specifically called testicles, and foie gras. Foodies will shout that foie isn't really that freaky, and they're right. But when there's one obvious glamour item in a knife-draw challenge, you can bet that something else is lurking in the weeds.

This time, as the chefs settled into their preparations, Padma announces that everyone needs to shift one station to the left--but leave the protein. This takes Alex from his precious foie, and plops him right in front of Kevin's ostrich. Angelo drops his duck nuts and picks up crocodile instead. Tamesha goes from llama to duck tongue, and her idea of a tongue soup sounds dangerous with only 20-some minutes to go.

But lo, Tamesha pulls one out, pressure-cooking her tongue to the great enjoyment of the judges. She is joined at the top by Kelly's creamy, delicious emu egg omelet with goat cheese and fennel salad, and Amanda, who took Tamesha's llama and roasted it with leeks, a date-bacon compote, and sauce soubise. But the win, and immunity, goes to Kelly. Considering how awful Jill's ostrich egg quiche was back in Season 5, Kelly's fortunate she found a good preparation. Less lucky are Stephen's "insipid" seared frog leg, Alex's dry ostrich, and Andrea's undercooked boar.

The Elimination Challenge takes undercooked to new heights, tasking the chefs with serving a cold dish. Yes, it can be cooked, but it must be served chilled. The chefs will be split into two groups; Group A will cook and serve to Group B (and the judges), and then Group B will cook and serve to Group A. Each group will have a chef selected for the win, and one selected to be sent home. For brainstorming, why don't y'alls head out for an apropos-of-little cruise on the USS Sequoia?

On the boat, Angelo is mixing with the whole crew of chefs, giving advice to anyone who makes the mistake of letting him speak (you must run him through with an enchanted blade before he speaks!). Fishing for a new victim, Angelo? Take heart (literally)--Stephen appears ripe for the picking. So is sockeye salmon, the latest member of the animal kingdom to be found sexually attractive by Angelo. The rest get their shopping done without necrobestiality, and their two hours of prep begins.

Andrea's still fuming about Michelle Bernstein getting to criticize her cooking on national TV; the secret ingredient ain't post-feminist sour grapes, lady. Amanda's doing a galantine--chicken rolled and stuffed with chicken--that was called a "ballantine" throughout the Bocuse D'Or episode from last season. (TV.com explains that this was an erroneous portmanteau of "galantine" and "ballotine," the roasted and warm version of the cold, poached galantine.) Angelo swears he's not playing games, but is leering over Tamesha all over the kitchen. Alex is most definitely playing games; Amanda asks him to try her galantine, and he intentionally withholds the presence of cartilage in his bite.

The first group starts cooking, and when plates hit the table, the real judges stay mostly silent while the competitors speak their piece. Amanda's chicken galantine with plum chutney is too salty (Tamesha), congeal-y (Angelo), or overly cartilaginous (Andrea, with the only real criticism of the dish, in my opinion). Kenny doubles up his lamb--grilled over greens and sliced as carpaccio--alongside a pretty cool mustard seed tuile, but runs into the buzzsaw of crafty opponents. Too chewy for Tiffany, too slimy for Angelo. Alex's sous-vide lamb with beet purée, tzatziki, and (a really interesting, actually) pumpkinseed dust offers tzatziki that's too heavy (Tamesha) and beets that needed something (Andrea).

Kevin's pairing of tuna and veal with romaine, pine nuts, and "Mediterranean condiments" seems like it's going to break the streak; Stephen begins to call it "beautiful," but then says that it needs acidity. Andrea agrees, wishing for citrus or something. At this point, Tom Colicchio can take no more; he scrinches up his face and asks if no one noticed t, he Meyer lemons on their plates. Only after this passive slapdown does Tiffany chime in, calling the dish "nice," and saying the acidity is fine. In the post-Tom era of this round, Ed's sockeye salmon on pumpernickel with cucumber vichyssoise gets far too much credit. Angelo wants things to be more separate and distinct, and Tamesha finds the lemon chunks too big, but what they all should be saying is that it's a really derivative and obvious dish that doesn't have the pizazz to be presented in an Elimination Challenge.

Not too surprisingly, everyone picks Kevin's dish as the best (even Tiffany, who explicitly said that she would like to vote for Ed), and Kenny's as the worst. This might have been the fair choice, but it's also a little transparent. Only Andrea goes with her conscience and votes for Amanda to go.

When the cooking group sits down to judge, and Tom gives them the "you should have heard what they said about you," it's clear that they're going to be a lot less nitpicky than the first group was. Gotta be the bigger people and all.

Tiffany's peppercorn-crusted ahi tuna with gazpacho sauce gets raves all around, and rightly so; flipping the script on gazpacho is just the kind of move her paramour Ed couldn't make with his soup and salad course. Angelo slow-poaches sockeye salmon (just like Ed, who we learn also slept with Angelo's girlfriend once...or vice versa; draw your own conclusions), but loses Kenny and Amanda with his last-minute addition of more condiments, drowning out the flavor of the salmon. Andrea goes for a tartare trio--steak, tuna with chili oil, and mushroom-fennel with roasted beets--and succeeds with the general concept, though her beef was underseasoned by Kenny's measure.

Stephen needs more than a little flavor with his chilled beef; Ed can't taste it at all over the crispy rice and jalapeño oil, and Kenny's socks remain firmly on his feet. The worst, however, appears to be Tamesha, who served almost-but-not-quite-raw scallops with long pepper and pickled rhubarb. It's way too spicy for Amanda, and Kevin finds the scallop to be the least pleasant part of the dish.

At the end of the course, Kevin alone picks Angelo to win (new toadie, perhaps?); the rest pick Tiffany. Tamesha gets universal scorn and a trip straight to the bottom two.

Amanda, hearing about the cartilage, thinks she's doomed for sure. Kenny's bewildered to learn that he's been relegated to the cut list. Padma calls out the top two first.

Thankfully, the judges announce their basic agreement in the selection of Tiffany and Kevin as the best two dishes. Gail praises Kevin's textural contrast, while Tiffany's perfect sear and refreshing flavors get kudos from Tom and Michelle. With a big fist pump, Kevin gets the win he's sorely needed. He also gets a six-night trip to Hawaii, which everyone needs, at least a little.

Tamesha and Kenny head out for judgment. Tamesha is surprised, of course. She thought the long pepper would be balanced with the sweetness of rhubarb and the scallop. That scallop was pretty gross, however; essentially raw but just cooked enough to highlight that it wasn't raw. As for Kenny, he hoped to bridge the two parts of his dish with shared seasonings. He failed in that regard. He suspects that he's being targeted for the threat he represents, but Michelle puts him in his place, telling him that she really didn't enjoy the dish at all. In other words, you to can suck from time to time. All that said, as soon as Tom says that Tamesha's dish was "shockingly bad," we know who's going home.

Tamesha gets the bad news that her association with Angelo the Svengali would portend; she thinks it's "some bullshit," but really, no. Once the spell fades, though, she breaks down under the weight of her mistake; "Angelo is a mentor to me, but I should have taken more control." Whoops.

Next week: Um, Tiffany's engaged? And Alex steals Ed's pea purée and actually serves it to some acclaim? This could be an interesting week for our man Ed.

Wherein the author maintains the Intergrity of his overall Objection

Dear Mr. O'Hern,

In reaction to recent comments made by you in the pages of Isthmus, I may have taken you to task too harshly. Please allow me to explain the offense I took to your statement, and clarify my remarks slightly.

My parents raised me in a dogma-free household. I appreciate that greatly, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. But if there was one spiritual concept instilled by my parents, and perhaps most explicitly by my mother, it is that music is the universal form of prayer.

Music uplifts, and can cause any one of us, regardless of creed, age, or ethnicity to rejoice in our own way. And it doesn't really matter what kind of music it is, so long as it speaks to that need for joy and expression within the listener.

So you must understand that when you made the following remarks, they flew in the face of how I was raised.

One of the traits that distinguish humans from other primates is our ability to create and enjoy classical music. (Rock 'n' roll, not so much.)

Between Season 5's Stefan trying to lure Jamie out of lesbiandom and Season 4's Andrew and his culinary boner, who would have thought that Top Chef could ever aspire to new heights of sexual energy? This season aims to shatter the mold: Amanda "Mata Hari" Baumgarten led the way, but now we're seeing the emergence of two new oversexed players. Kenny, whose robe is straight out of Kramer's pimp outfit from Seinfeld, and Angelo. Angelo has made sexytime comments before, but his "I basically made love to that duck" line--and the awkward and unnecessary admission that he's had crabs--put him into the creepy stratosphere.

To say nothing of his Chef Whisperer routine. If Amanda is Mata Hari, Angelo is most certainly Svengali, the evil hypnotist of George du Maurier's Trilby. (Coincidentally, Svengali is also referenced in a Seinfeld episode.) He whispered confidences into Tracey's ear a few weeks ago, and then POOF, she was gone. He's doing the same now to Tamesha, who seems much more under his spell than Tracey was--even with her unconsummatable crush. Other chefs are starting to notice, so it remains to be seen if the wizardry can hold, or if speaking to his hypnotism cuts the connection. Bottom line: I do not trust Angelo. Even if he isn't up to something in a competitive sense, I think he's one creepy dude.



Anyway, the episode opens with some of Angelo's creepiness, including a remark about extracting things from Tamesha's spirit. I kid you not; the guy is Voldemort. On the flip side, Ed and Tiffany are developing into a cute, legitimate crushy situation that is only complicated by the continued team structure that keeps them from working with each other directly. But they're all high school-snuggly on the couch, and on Tiff's bed, and I think we're in for a night vision situation if things keep on going this way. But it's all right, because they're both equal players in the relationship, and like I said, it's kind of cute.

Hey, this is a food show, isn't it. How about this week's Quickfire Challenge: the blue crab. Patrick O'Connell, founder of the Inn at Little Washington (a restaurant I'm told is possibly the best in DC), serves as the guest judge, and the chefs generally fumble their way through prepping the crabs and arrive at respectable-ish dishes. Angelo goes Asian, but notes that Ed is going even Asian-er. Andrea's used to the bigger stone crabs of Miami, while Tamesha used to be allergic to crabs and has no clue. (Guess who helps her out?) Kenny goes for a three-pronged tasting plate, and Tim is happy as a clam to work with blue crabs; he's a Maryland guy, remember, so this is old hat.

So old hat that his beer steamed crab doesn't merit any attention at the end of the round. Andrea weighed her crabs down with potato; Amanda's "fascinating" salad with a Sauternes, ginger, and juniper gelee was unbalanced; Kevin's chowder with potato and celery was confused. On the other hand, Kenny and Angelo both highlighted the crab well, meriting praise from O'Connell. But it's slack-jawed Ed, love-struck Ed, who out-Angeloed Angelo and takes the Quickfire win and immunity for the week. Tim bitterly comments that Ed did some Asian shit with his crab, and derisively considers that maybe he should have "put some sooey sauce in there." Is that how Marylanders say "soy"?

The Elimination Challenge takes the chefs to the farm--Ayrshire Farms, specifically--for another "cook what we produce" dinner. This time, however, the chefs will be working as one entity to create no fewer than 6 dishes, served family-style. This leads to the predictable head-bumping between Kenny and Angelo, as the whole mess of chefs try to figure out a plan of attack. See, they don't get to know specific ingredients or working conditions until they arrive at the farm on the next day. The one thing everyone can agree on is that Stephen's idea of a collective signature dessert by way of large fruit plate is a bad one.

Arriving at the farm, the chefs find that propane grills and hot plates are their cooking surfaces, and they're going to have to play nice and get creative to each have the food they want to use (though the sponsor-branded mobile pantry is a boon to most menus). They'd all decided to stay in the teams they cooked in last week, and dedicate themselves to a distinct facet of their respective dishes. Kelly wheedles Tim until he gives up his beets (which leads to the non-starter incidental shoulder bump we saw in the teaser last week). Kevin is forced to improvise when his cauliflower couscous takes a digger; it had been perched precariously on the edge of the table. He goes with broccoli and starts over, which doesn't seem like much of a risk but this is the last minute we're talking about.

Andrea's worried about her pork loin cooking through with meager grill surface to spare; she splits them to speed the process. Angelo's culinary boner grows over Tamesha's cherries (this stuff writes itself, unfortunately). And Team Stephen/Amanda is going for the risky underwhelm-our-way-to-victory approach, with a salad and vegetable soup, respectively. "Progresso, eat your heart out," Amanda brags. Really?

Amanda: Country vegetable minestrone with smoked tomato broth. Rustic! And chef O'Connell means that in the un-complimentary way. Veggies of disparate size and doneness lead to an unpleasant dining experience. But hey, at least they're "country" vegetables, right?

Stephen: Farm salad of balsamic onion, egg, apple, cabernet vinaigrette, and garlic dressing. Another grasp at legitimacy with the name? Never heard of a "farm salad" before. Won't hear of this one anymore, either: it's wet, heavy with goopy dressing, and in a bowl. This might be its worst sin by O'Connell's measure, though Tom loathes the bruised lettuce leaves.

Kenny: Hot and sour curried eggplant with peppers and carrot tops, with Kevin's lemon zest-scented broccoli couscous. It's more of a unified dish, and everyone likes it. Padma thinks it's lovely, and Tom is pleased with the (high) level of heat.

Tim: Roasted turnips and asparagus with honey. Tim had wanted to do a turnip mousseline initially, but wasn't confident in the time and conditions. So he left them at a fairly small dice, and served them as-is. The dish doesn't register with anyone, leaving zero impressions.

Tiffany: Collard greens with Swiss chard, turnip, and chanterelles in duck broth. Undercooked greens, and not much more to say there.

Andrea: Garlic and five-spice-rubbed pork loin with shallot-apple balsamic jus, over Kelly's five-spice-roasted apples and roasted beets. This is how you do a roasted root vegetable, Tim. Padma likes the combination of the two dishes very much, and Eric has lovely things to say about the level of doneness on the pork, and the overall flavor.

Angelo: Grilled duck breast with ginger and oregano honey, with Tamesha's cherry compote with red wine balsamic vinaigrette and grilled asparagus salad. The duck is great, the spices are a wonderful combination. But unfortunately, Jonathan Waxman isn't judging this meal; the asparagus adds nothing.

Alex: Provençal beef tenderloin stuffed with Ed's ratatouille of eggplant, summer squash, and tomato. Nicely cooked beef, but stuffing the loin with ratatouille galls Eric Ripert's Gallic heritage.

And lastly, Kelly whips up an extra-credit strawberry-rhubarb crisp with basil-scented whipped cream. She had time to kill while her beets roasted, and that time produces a crowd-pleasing dessert--indeed, a rarity on Top Chef.

At Judges' Table, Kevin, Kenny, Andrea, and Kelly are called out first. No mystery here, they're the top four. A lot of big sighs and exhalations indicate that this has not been a fun challenge, exactly. Kevin's couscous turned out perfect for its troubled beginnings. Kenny gets props from Padma, who Tom notes is known for being tough on curries. Andrea, for being nervous about her cooking temperature, and for adding sugar to the sauce, is put off her concerns by universal compliments. Kelly's fruit and veg roast was rustic (in the good way, Amanda), and her dessert was a nice surprise at the end of the meal. But at the end of Judges' Table, it is Kenny's curried eggplant that takes the win. No mention of what he might have won, but whatever. A win's a win.

The suckas at the bottom are Tim, Amanda and Stephen. That's gotta suck for Tim, not having his cooking partner there to take shots with him. But it wasn't a team challenge, really. Their mistakes were made glaring by the overall high quality of the meal. Tim hears what he should have heard from his inner voices: you shouldn't have backtracked on your original plan at that point in your preparation, and the addition of asparagus solely on color contrast was a poor choice. Stephen's salad was overthought, overdressed, and poorly served. Amanda takes the worst of it, getting a lesson on amateurish technique and what a minestrone should be from Eric, and a downright knuckle-bashing from Schoolmaster Tom on proper chopping technique and cooking times for vegetables. "When we cook, why do we cut things uniformly?" I mean, damn. Talk about cutting!

Stephen and Amanda look like they might just barf, but they're saved by Tim's complete miscalculation and poor execution of his dish. The guy, as I've said already, looks to be a bad character personally, so I'm glad he's gone. "It's not one of those goodbyes that's forever," he says. No, Tim, it really kinda is. Out!

Next week: outright gamesmanship and the chefs judge themselves.

If you caught Monday's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, you saw Tony hit various spots in the Midwest and near West, all crammed unceremoniously into one episode. Bottom line: I wasn't too crazy about it.

Even if you didn't see the episode, but are passingly familiar with either chef Bourdain, or the stereotypical jabs frequently taken at the middle of the country's culinary offerings, head on over to The Daily Page to check out my commentary on "Heartland." There's a link over there on the right hand column, and looky here: another link!

There was, quite frankly, a shitload of cookery tonight. So much, in fact, that the traditional opening pun of this season of Top Chef was set aside in favor of a silent cliche, to save time: cherry blossoms. Okay, so we never have to spend any time on those again this season.

This week's Quickfire was a somewhat bizarre challenge paying homage to Padma and Tom, two new parents on the Top Chef crew. To win $10,000, the chefs will have to create a dish that is satisfying for the adult, and both puree-able and culinarily appropriate for the baby. Thankfully, they didn't also have to pour it over bread and bake it into a prison-safe casserole.

Oh yeah, and there would be two Quickfire winners, one chosen by each of the parents. I wanted to make a comment with the last recap about Amanda (the former drug abuser) getting into a fight with Alex (the one chef who might actually sell her drugs), but decided to be nice instead. Lo and behold, Alex commented this time around about how he'd spend his $10k on "a hooker and an eight ball, please." Readers, you tell me: is he legitimately gross, or a saucier gangster just posturing for the cameras?

So, we learned a few things about the chefs this week. Kenny also lost a wife to an early demise. Angelo is probably as obnoxiously pedantic with his son as he is on the show. Stephen doesn't understand that finely brunoised apples won't be a choking hazard to a baby after they're pureed. And Lynne is remarkably boring, even when she's indignant about being ignored. Okay, maybe that wasn't much of a revelation.

It's hard to analyze dishes that are meant to be pureed, but props to the judges for eating both the grown-up and baby versions. Angelo, annoying as he is, made a very pretty layered puree of his poached tuna with fenugreek broth. Lynne's flavors were nice and translated well to puree. But Tom chose Tamesha's textured vegetable chowder and salmon puree and innovative licorice oil, while Padma picked Kenny's grilled chicken and mango salad-slash-very dangerous choking hazard. ::eyeroll for stephen::

There are often little threads that connect the Quickfire and Elimination Challenges--there were no such connections this week, at least that I could discern. The chefs were asked to plan breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals for the Hilton family of restaurants, suitable for room delivery. Fresh, healthy, creative, and easily executable by the kitchen staff. The chefs were told to pair off, and to prepare to cook tourney-style. Breakfast and lunch would see two teams each be declared safe, while dinner would pit the last three in a battle royale for survival. Both chefs on the losing team would be eliminated.

Teams: Tim/Tiffany, Stephen/Amanda, Arnold/Lynne, Alex/Ed, Kevin/Kenny, Kelly/Andrea, Angelo/Tamesha. Past contestants Spike Mendelsohn, Mike Isabella, and Bryan Voltaggio were the guest diners, along with Beth Scott of Hilton and DC chef Nora Pouillon of Nora.

With 30 minutes for breakfast, I counted four hollandaises in this fresh-n-healthy challenge. Ed and Alex crashed and burned, with Ed dropping the ball on their hollandaise as well as the central prosciutto/potato cake on one of the plates. Amanda and Stephen were safe with a confit of pancetta and poached egg dish, as were Tim and Tiffany for their fairly predictable but nonetheless tasty crab cake Benedict with asparagus and an unnecessary potato hash.

The clock moved to 45 minutes for lunch prep, and the remaining chefs amplified their anxieties. Kelly got all desperate and morose, while Kenny and Angelo both fueled themselves on being pissed at not winning the first round. (Angelo also spends some time praising the hot, "inner lion"-ness of Tamesha, as well as making direct and unveiled innuendo about wanting to sleep with her. I'm really not sure what his game is, but I fear it's no less misogynistic than Isabella at his worst.) Alex and Ed rebounded from their disastrous breakfast with a strong ricotta gnudi and diver scallop dish. Angelo and Tamesha produced a two-dimensional beef carpaccio, but the complimentary flavors of jicama, Asian pear, cilantro and kimchi seemed strong. Andrea and Kelly, on the other hand, served uncooked canned beans in their panzanella and overcooked their red snapper; Padma would have sent it back, while Eric would never have sent it out to begin with. Ouch.

Dinner service was granted a full hour, and the attitude problems between Lynne and Arnold are getting pronounced. Lynne pushed for a late start to the squid ink pasta, while Arnold wanted to make sure there was enough time to get it cooked properly. The other two teams prepared beef short ribs, which portended that one would make it and one would be up for elimination. Indeed, Kevin and Kenny were relegated to the bottom two with Arnold and Lynne and their mussels, while not only did Kelly and Andrea survive the round, but were given the overall win. They get to pick from a 6-night trip to either Barcelona or Venice as a reward. Well then.

I have a problem with this, in that there seemed to be two options for the judges. Either the judges planned on giving the win to the best dish of the dinner round--which is odd, since that team would have by definition produced poor to mediocre breakfast and lunch dishes--or they were prepared to call out a "safe" team to reward a good breakfast or lunch dish--which would have made Judges' Table kind of complicated. I just don't think the challenge was framed right for the selection of an overall winner (if at first you don't succeed, try try again until we are forced to give you the win); it was great for finding a loser, though.

Well, mostly great. The complaints leveled against each team were pretty nitpicky. Kevin and Kenny's short ribs lacked sufficient glaze (as always, Tom cuts through the BS to point out where the team went wrong in executing the dish), and the inclusion of horseradish was too soft-pedaled. Lynne and Arnold had a nice concept and the sauce was great, but the pasta was sorely undercooked; this was, of course, 100% Lynne's fault and in the face of Arnold's repeated suggestions. Lynne just sold him down the river, which would seem odd if she hadn't turned into a crabby old lady halfway through the Elimination Challenge and clearly just wanted to get away from all the young brats in the kitchen.

So, guess who lost. Lynne, we hardly knew ye--and were fine with that--but Arnold will be missed. The cheery little guy wanted everyone to know how much time he spent on his image, but in the end wanted to prove that he was more than just a Louis Vitton bag. Sadly, that's exactly what he was: a tasteful affectation completely unappreciated by classless old broads.

Next week: Heads bump in the kitchen, and shoulders bump at service--with potentially disatrous results? Only the editors know for now!

By now, you've all hopefully had the chance to watch last week's episode of Top Chef, entitled "Capitol Grill" and thereby fulfilling this season's pun quota for the week.

If you haven't, I recommend heading over to The Washingtonian for my buddy Carol Blymire's tasteful and incise (and prompt) recaps, or to The AV Club, where the estimable Scott Tobias breaks it all down in businesslike fashion.

Today, I have a few basic thoughts. First: there are personalities a-plenty this season. Very few total snoozers, and in their unremarkable shoes stand a lot of apparently distasteful jerks. I refer, of course to the producer-branded co-villains Kelly and Angelo, and the iffy character that is Tim Dean, but also to Ed (who doesn't appear to really like anyone and finds this whole exercise taxing) and the emerging Mata Hari of Season 7, Amanda. Seriously, how she's convinced so many chefs and judges that she's as impressive and formidable as they think she is…well, look up Mata Hari. Then check out Amanda's bio picture on Bravo.com.

This episode was also the on-screen official roll-out of the new Top Chef spinoff, Top Chef: Just Desserts. Regular judge Gail Simmons will be joined by Johnny Iuzzini, pastry chef at Jean-Georges, who looks like the new kid from the last reel of The Shawshank Redemption.


The Quickfire Challenge was a pie-from-scratch challenge, and most did a serviceable job (exceptions: Tracey's roadkill pizza of a blueberry-almond pie and Ed's nonsequitur inclusion of celery spuma with a banana cream pie…topped with peanuts?). Kelly's chocolate ganache tart pushed the limits of what I think was the spirit of the challenge, but got props for a smooth filling. But the win went to Kenny, who himself veered close to cake territory with his bananas Foster five-spice pie.

The Elimination Challenge asked the chefs to cook a picnic for a passel of Washington interns at George Washington's Mount Vernon home. Ribs and beef and pork butt (a cut that Alex might think is actual butt, though I'm not sure) made their expected appearances. But let's get to the real meat of the order: Amanda is a former cocaine and pill abuser? Well then. More power to her for getting off 'em, I guess. She and Alex got into a fairly stupid argument, one that Amanda didn't sell very well to Big Tom. Stephen tried to impress Tom by talking up his "Chilean sea bass, from Whole Foods," like he's the only one who shopped there and the rest were at the Social Safeway hot-bar. (You won't find many shout-outs to DC in these recaps, but that's one.)

Some classic lines in this one. Tracey and Kenny on grill mechanics: "How do you turn this grill down?" "There ain’t no turnin' it down." Gail to Ed in the Quickfire: "And how does this compare to your grandmother's celery spuma?" (By the way, how awful is that word in an otherwise English sentence? Ugh.) And my wife, on hearing Arnold describe how he's never been "the bitch," meaning an intern: "I think that's a lie."

Jonathan Waxman took the role of guest judge, which is fine, though he ended up giving Matamanda Hari far too much props for her grilled asparagus (yes, just grilled asparagus) while knocking the hell out of Kevin's simple and safe Puerto Rican plate.

Angelo's lettuce wrap and smoked egg salad sounded great, as did Andrea's root beer skirt steak, though the former was much, much more successful than the latter. The final four on top were Angelo, Ed (who pronounces "tartin" as "tar-TEEN," which is annoying), Amanda and Arnold. Arnold, who had to copy Kenny's grill technique to know how to start the damn thing, took the win for his lemongrass-skewered lamb meatballs with tabouli and gazpacho. He's a happy little man. Pore Power!

The bottoms were Tim, Stephen, Tracey and Kevin. Everything that Stephen hoped wouldn't go wrong with his bacon-wrapped bass (and that he thought he'd prevented), did in fact go wrong. Tim's vegetables were off (as was, unfortunately, the aim of the goose that almost shit on them), and it was underseasoned and underconfident. Kevin's flank steak was home cook quality, though not offensively bad. No, the "offensively bad" comment went to Tracey's Italian sausage slider, which was too big, too rare, and too disgusting to be called Italian--if Tom's opinion as an Italian means anything.

His outrage was, as it often is, defanged by having to deliver another awful, hammy, punny segue to the final decision. Tracey got the boot, but having declared herself clairvoyant during the little mid-break vignette, she had to have seen it coming.

Next week: a double elimination challenge, the return of Eric Ripert, but also the return of Isabella and Spite. Blech.