[A]s of now it's very, very painful to watch her showing no skills of leadership. So therefore, if you cannot be a leader, you cannot be a chef. She has no good technique or skills, so she cannot be a cook. So what are you doing on Top Chef?

Sorry for my lateness. I had to bust some chops in state government this week, and the recap got back-burnered.

Looks like this season will have each episode start with that cool shot of the empty judges' table and a snippet of conversation in the Stew Room post-dismissal. I dig it. The chefs kind of take shots at Jamie for leaving with her insignificant injury--though to their credit, they mostly do it to her face--and we're off for the races on another week of Top Chef All-Stars.

Supertrendychef David Chang joins Padma in greeting the competitors to the kitchen. Their random order of entry will group them into four teams of four. The Quickfire Challenge? A simultaneous mise en place race--three ingredients to be prepped by the team--and then creating a dish based on those ingredients. The catch: the first team to finish the mise en race sets the 15 minute timer for the rest of the teams to finish their dish prep. You fall behind, you're boned.

With no immunity but $5,000 per winning team member on the line, the chefs get to work. Racks of ribs are broken down, garlic is minced, artichokes are peeled. Team Green (Angelo, Fabio, Tiffany, and Isabella) are smoking, while Team White (Little Dale, Carla, Marcel, and Tiffani) are struggling in spite of Marcel's rib-frenching confidence.

Team Blue (Stephen, Richard, Tre, and Spike) get nitpicked by Chang on the fineness and neatness of their garlic mince; they eventually get enough done, well enough. Team Red (Antonia, Jamie, Casey, and Big Dale) are just happy that there aren't any onions in this race. (Video evidence is presented, reminding everyone how excruciatingly slowly Casey dices an onion.) At the end of the race, with Team Green setting the pace for the dish prep portion, two teams are left so far back that they're forced to do a carpaccio to save time.

After sampling all the dishes, Chang's bottom two teams are the speedy Greens--whose dill and thyme blew out the rest of the flavors in their lamb with garlic and tandoor yogurt-- and the time-pressed Reds and their carpaccio sans nuance. At the top, the Whites crafted another carpaccio so good that Chang called it "unique." But the winning team is the Blues, and their crispy fried lamb chop with artichoke served three ways and chili aioli--bold and tasty.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs get to learn what it would have been like if they'd parlayed their original run on Top Chef into massive fame and success. Each team will hit a top-class restaurant in New York and create a dish that would be worthy of placement on the menu there. Green: Chang's Má Pêche (no Michelin stars, but two from the New York Times). Red: David Burke's Townhouse (no Michelin stars, but two NYT stars for its previous incarnation as David Burke and Donatella). Blue: Michael White's Marea (two Michelin stars, three NYT stars). White: Wylie Dufresne's wd~50 (one Michelin star, three NYT stars).

The chefs will compete within their respective kitchens, as opposed to working as a team, and the BUM-BUM-BUMMMM of this week is that two chefs will be going home. Fabio, always one to keep his eyes on the ball, is rendered speechless not by the increased chance of being eliminated, but in having to cook French-Vietnamese food in Ma Peche's kitchen.

At Má Pêche, everyone gets annoyed with Angelo's over-opinionating. (I know the feeling, buddy.) Stephen, who eats at Marea all the time you know, grates on Tre for much the same reason. Wiley Dufresne appears to halt a bit upon seeing Marcel in his dining room. Everyone at Townhouse is terrified by the wackiness--except for Big Dale, who is thrilled at the apparent license to let his freak flag fly.

Grocery shopping continues to go largely unshown, but at least we got to see the Whole Foods logo, amirite?? In the kitchens, Isabella is, amazingly, totally dismissive of Tiffany's crudo concept but very confident in his own. Broads, man--thinkin' they can be all competitive and capable an' shit. Carla busts out the nitro, trying to show that she can go outside her comfort zone in her own way and still succeed. Stephen's spazzing a bit; Richard notes that he seems out of his element. And it's possible that Tre has gone a bit bye-bye since his last run on the show. Lots of manic laughter that I don't remember from before.

Kate Krader of Food and Wine is along for the dine, and each restaurant's real chef also joins at the table. We get to see the chefs chit-chatting in the car between restaurants, which is a fun change of pace. The meals!

Marea

Tre: Grilled swordfish, braised artichoke, mushroom panna cotta, basil oil. In short: he nails it. Elegant simplicity, and a tasty panna cotta.
Spike: Seared branzino caponata, spicy prosciutto vinaigrette. The skin has a nice crispy texture, but in calling his condiment a caponata, Spike draws criticism for it being dry and loose.
Richard: Crudo of Spanish mackerel, braised veal shank, fennel mostarda. Elegant, delicious. The chefs all like it; Richard's introspection about self-editing while dining at Marea appears to have paid off.
Stephen: Coho salmon condito, black mission figs, broccoli rapini, fennel pollen. Bourdain's bon mot ("it tastes like a headshop") summarizes in his unique way what others also find: the pollen flavor is a bit aggressive.


Má Pêche

Fabio: Roasted lamb, hoisin plum barbecue sauce, corn tomato salad, lemongrass chèvre ricotta. Always a bad sign, Colicchio is bewildered by this dish. So too is Chang, who would never combine these components. Bourdain thinks Fabio is "lost in the woods" on this one.
Tiffany: Crudo of summer flounder, pickled radish, peach purée. It's missing something: likely the flair that would make it a fit on a Chang menu. Chang says this is something you could find at Daniel or something. Probably not meant as a dig at Chef Boulud, but it came off as one anyway.
Isabella: Cured sockeye salmon (warm), charcoal eggplant, marinated tomatoes, pickled peach. It's not over-the-top wacky, and Tom loves the eggplant.
Angelo: Turmeric-marinated fish (unspecified), dill, cilantro, salmon roe, chorizo, white chocolate. Angelo wants to make a splash with the white chocolate inclusion, and he succeeds. Krader finds the flavor combination exciting, and Chang hails it as innovative.


Townhouse

Big Dale: Roasted veal loin, peanuts, popcorn, french toast, corn, thyme caramel. In the kitchen, Dale was constantly asking Casey for her opinion. My opinion upon seeing the dish? The judges are either going to LOVE it or HATE it. And indeed, while the diners comment on the creativity of the concept, they all agree that it was way too sweet.
Antonia: Pea purée, carrot purée, seared scallop, pickled carrot, mint oil. While she wasn't shy with the salt shaker, Antonia's playful take on peas and carrots pleases Burke.
Casey: Coconut halibut "scallop," tapioca "caviar," ginger carrot emulsion. Lots of " " in there, but Burke loves it.
Jamie: Smoked tomato and bacon soup, heirloom tomato salad, smoked burrata, charred onion vinaigrette. The smoke is insignificant. There's no "wow" from Burke on this one. Did Jamie really think that soup and salad would amaze anyone? I fail to understand the people who are Jamie fans. Never saw anything from her that really seemed impressive.


wd~50

Little Dale: Sunny side up egg dumpling, braised pork belly, milk-style ramen with bacon, beef, and pork. Dale knows that Wylie loves eggs (he's been paying attention), and his dumpling looks like just the right balance between sumptuous and overwrought for a mad scientist like Wylie. Dale also notes that you're not going to win over the chef by doing a poor approximation of his techniques, so he's not trying to go all MG for no good reason. Bourdain and Colicchio both love it, hailing the complexity of the flavors.
Tiffani: Broken summer heirloom melon, powdered ham and taleggio. Compare Dale's restraint with Tiffani's runaway train of molecular gastronomy. Her pre-frozen melons come out watery and intrusively bad. A murky composition.
Carla: Poached shrimp, grits, okra chips. While Carla's attitude was also good going into this challenge, I don't really see how this fits with a wd~50 aesthetic. The diners note that it's a bit safe, but technically impressive and a smart tack to take considering her traditional background.
Marcel: Vadouvan lamb, tzatziki, pickled red onion, anti-flatbread (inspired by Dufresne's aerated foie gras). Marcel was the star of the mid-break vignette, narrated partially by Little Dale. Dale describes the alleged beef between a wd~50 sous chef/line cook and Marcel, related to alleged plagiarism of a dish. Marcel comments to the confessional camera about the so-perfect-you-couldn't-write-it drama of him cooking in wd~50's kitchen. The camera catches Marcel looking at the camera during a non-competitive moment--and the showrunners brilliantly chose to close the segment with it. Kind of makes it seem like Marcel wants drama, but I have to admit I've been appreciating his presence this season. Not so much the diners with this dish. Bourdain notes that it's a bit restrained for Marcel, and Dufresne wonders if Marcel's MG technique skill was applied in a way that improved the dish. Ironic, considering Marcel was questioning Tiffani's application of MG technique on her dish.

Carla is charmingly self-deprecating about her use of an immersion circulator as Padma arrives at the Stew Room and calls out Little Dale, Angelo, Antonia, and Tre. They are, as you can surmise from the above commentary, the top chefs from each restaurant. The winner's going to get six nights in New Zealand along with airfare.

Antonia gets props for her peas-n-carrots riff. Angelo's white chocolate was "kind of genius." Tre's swordfish was a perfectly-done star turn. But Little Dale, who looks like he's about to fire up the bus for a tour at the zoo with that shorts and hat combo, takes the win for balancing respectable technical flourish with unimpeachable quality. Little guy's going to the land of hobbits! And the Angelo winning streak is over at 2.

Stephen, Tiffani, Fabio and Big Dale get called out. "Fight hard, but not too hard," says Carla. "Don't pull a Jen," advises Antonia, coining a new phrase in the Top Chef lexicon.

Fabio is dinged for overpainting on his canvas. Too much fat, the cassoulet was over-reduced; he appears to take it well this time. Stephen claims Italian expertise (Fabio raises an eyebrow high enough the camera almost has to track up to follow it), but his dish had an unpleasant perfumey taste that bothered Bourdain more than the well-cooked salmon pleased him. Tiffani acknowledges that she over-reached. Big Dale tells the judges that his inspiration wasn't so much Chef Burke's menu, but a breakfast dish off of his own menu. The judges note that this indeed felt like a breakfast dish + veal. Bleh.

Tiffani crossed the line between homage and parody--ouch! Stephen was too excited by his surroundings, but did parts well; that's bad enough for a dismissal. Fabio's dish lacked both Asianness and confidence, but he stays. Big Dale, despite cooking and seasoning his veal well, turned his dish into a circus act and gets the boot. I picked the complete opposite of this result before the end of Judges Table, and I'm still a little bewildered by Stephen and Big Dale going home. To his credit, Stephen subtly acknowledges that he's not really a kitchen chef anymore, and it was fun to go back. A classy exit. But Big Dale--we'll miss you, ya big goofball.

NEXT: The US Open, another finger slice, and Angelo appears to be dusting off the Svengali persona.

Madison's got some pretty decent pizza. It may not be New York or Chicago, but as a pizza buff, I'm happy. But in a town with Roman Candle, Ian's, Glass Nickel, and even Topper's--to say nothing of Neapolitan joints Cafe Porta Alba and Pizza Brutta--Rocky Rococo falls solidly into the "afterthought" category for me. It's as impactful on my everyday life as the style of art whose name it borrows.

Circumstances, however, have conspired to raise my awareness of that hoary old white-suited, bespectacled stereotype of a mascot. Madison A to Z landed on Rocky's Party Pizzeria back in May, and posted in early July--that was inevitable. But then, not a week later, another hit. Slice, the pizza-centric offshoot of Serious Eats, posted a review of Rocky Rococo as the best budget pizza of Madison, if not the upper Midwest.

"About as good as budget pizza can get," they said. "If the choice is between Rocky Rococo and any national low-cost pizza chain, the decision to go with Wisconsin's biggest pizza company is an easy one," they said. What's going on here? Little Caesar's offers a whole pizza for $5, while Rocky's slices start at $3. Are they really that much better than the venerable old Hot 'n' Readys?

Sean Weitner and James Norton at Heavy Table certainly seem to think so. Last week, they penned a love letter of sorts, singing the relative merits of "so bad it's good" Rocky's.

"If I had to evaluate pizzas based on any single topping, I’d choose sausage, and Rocky’s sausage is heavenly," Sean writes. "Rocky’s," James replies, "at least does what it does festively." Heavenly? Festively? Are we still talking about pizza, or the Feast of the Assumption?

I decided that I needed to re-evaluate Rocky Rococo pizza in light of all this attention. A midday trip into town over my lunch break provided the perfect opportunity to visit the Regent location of Rocky's without forcing my wife--not a fan, we'll say--to accompany me.

Back in my young and poorer days, Rocky Rococo was a regular lunch spot when I worked somewhere else: the mall. I do recall the sausage being pretty good, so I stuck with both my memory and the specific suggestions of Slice and Heavy Table. A slice of sausage and mushroom pizza came with four big chunks of sausage, well-caramelized on top but juicy underneath. Certainly tasty.

I know the slice had mushrooms on it because that's what the menu said--but I'll be damned if they made any impression on me. The cheese, lauded by Heavy Table as "thick and gooey" and full of "cheesy savor." Must be a hit-or-miss deal; though my slice was piping-hot, the cheese was semi-congealed and sludgy. Better that less is said of the crust and sauce.

So sure, the sausage is really quite nice. But is the caloric intake of all that greasy crust, mushy cheese, and bizarrely-seasoned sauce earn a pass as a vehicle for Italian sausage delivery? And is it distinguishable from, say, Kwik Trip Cheese Mountain pizza? If you put Rocky's sausage on Kwik Trip's pizza, I suspect not. In fact, I'd probably prefer the result of that exchange.

Bully on Rocky Rococo--a Madison original--for making a recognizable, signature product. Better to be distinctly odd than indistinctly mediocre (see Dominos/Pizza Hut/Papa John's), I say. But I think this passage from James at Heavy Table sums up why some folks yen to Rocky's so much:

And yet, it’s got that guilty pleasure thing going on for me. ... [I]t’s sort of like Proust’s madeleine… one bite, and I’m chilling on State Street in 1993, chowing down on slices with my friends, having some kind of overly earnest and ultimately misinformed conversation about girls.

There's no way to argue with that.

First, a hearty welcome to those of you joining for the first time via 77 Square's "Recent Obsessions" column today. (Lindsay, I'm betting I have you to thank.) There may be some inside jokes and "you had to be there" moments in my recaps, but I try to make them at least a little approachable for new readers.

~~~

Well, we knew it would happen at some point in Top Chef All-Stars. A returning chef would insist upon his or her righteousness and, fueled mostly by the bravado of seasons past and the restaurant popularity that followed, go down in a blaze of glory. But be honest: we all kind of expected it to be Fabio, right? Especially after essentially challenging Anthony Bourdain to fisticuffs last week?

An epic, slightly bizarre hissyfit (which we'll get to at the end) was entirely appropriate in an episode so focused on the fickleness of children. After a cold open that put us right in the Stew Room following Elia's dismissal--wherein the chefs just then realized that anyone could go home at any time (Did any of them talk to Tre about that? He knew.)--we're introduced to this Joe Jonas fellow. Some of you may have heard of him. Not Little Dale, who remarked, "I thought he might be a pastry chef…?"

No, young Joe Jonas is here as a surprise guest for a sleepover at the American Museum of Natural History. The Quickfire Challenge, which Joe will weigh in on, asks the chefs to create the midnight snack for the little rugrats. It's got to be brown paper bag-ready, and can't require utensils. There will be immunity for the winner, plus an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.

Richard's smart, and notes that it would be wise to make the dish appealing to Joe, too, since he's judging. Big Dale just goes all-sugar for his snack; "basically, I'm making crack for small children." In the kitchen, Little Dale isn't ingratiating himself to this crop of chefs, having taken the entire container of sugar and left it sitting at his station. Isabella's sweating his dish as the clock ticks down, but of course he turns down an offer of assistance from Antonia; you all remember how lovely he was with female competition in his season, yes?

This being a supersized episode, we got a close-up on every single QF dish. Some, like Spike's potato and carrot chips with mascarpone-marshmallow dip and Tiffany's coconut rice pudding with grapefruit sauce, seemed like odd combinations. A few chefs chose to include bacon, mostly to their detriment; Tre's cracker with cranberry and cherry jam and apple-smoked bacon was pretty uninspired, while Jennifer's bacon ginger taffy looked like congealed bacon fat. And I can't tell if Angelo was joking when he initially called his fried dough, white pepper, old bay, and cheddar crumb dish "Cheese Crisps 2010: The New Evolution." Something tells me that was a shot at Kevin's Singapore Sling 2010 from last season's finale. If so, nicely played. If not? Sigh.

At the bottom: Tiffany's messy rice pudding, Isabella's chocolate coconut corn bars with coconut horchata chaser (a nice idea, but when you can't drive home the chocolateyness, you're hurting), and Stephen's snickerdoodle sandwich with white chocolate, coconut ganache, apricot and mint (the latter ingredient too weak in an already-off combination).

The tops: Spike, and Tiffani's rice crispy treat snowball with malted milk and graham crackers. And surprise surprise, the kids will pick the winner in a taste test. The rest of the chefs are selected playground style to be the prep teams for each of the top two (Fabio picked last), and set to work politicking with the kids to curry favor. The clear star? This kid, who I'm quite certain enjoyed Tiffani's sugarbomb, and would have exploded had Big Dale's "caveman boulders" of pretzels, Whoppers, and cinnamon graham crackers been a top-two dish.



No shock, Tiffani gets the win. By a landslide.

As the chefs are left to clean up after the whirlwind of prepubescence, Tom strolls in and informs the chefs that the Elimination Challenge starts now. You're joining the sleepover. Create a breakfast for the kids and their parents; service will start at 7:30 in the morning. Museum kitchen supplies only, and the teams will be differentiated by the two skeletons in this room: brontosaurus and tyrannosaurus rex. One team can use only animal products, the other only plant. Tiffani gets to pick, as the QF winner, and she goes with T-rex. Only when they get to the kitchen does she realize she hadn't really been paying attention to Tom's instructions; she thought she got to use everything. This means their herbs and baking concepts are all out the window.

Some of the chefs set to take a power nap on their cots in the Hall of North American Mammals (Stephen bemoaning the step down from his posh Manhattan loft, Tre noting that he won't be able to sleep in the nude like he usually does), while others (the boys) go on a flashlight tour of the museum. At 3:45, everyone's up and moving, and mostly happy when they arrive at the very well-appointed museum kitchen. The teams have both grouped off internally, with clusters of two chefs working on dishes together.

Stephen and Fabio set to work on gnocchi without eggs or cream (a tough sell for breakfast and a tough task for only two hours). Little Dale and Isabella's polenta cakes aren't setting, so they're going with straight-up polenta. Tiffany and Antonia struggle with a balky oven, which is hampering their ability to cook frittatas evenly. And then Jamie slices her thumb while working on a slab of bacon. The on-site medic says she needs stitches, so off she goes. This doesn't sit well with Fabio (who broke his thumb during a challenge in his season, and stayed), and other chefs are equally dubious. Casey's dubious, too--but of that bacon Jamie was working on. Jennifer's final product doesn't seem to impress.

Service is outdoors, so the chefs load up and move out. Casey doesn't leave herself time to taste Tre's sauce, which he acknowledges is a little spicy; this is usually trouble. One thing I was most intrigued to see was Angelo pulling his usual "just let me do this for you" routine on their fruit parfait, having Carla quarter some plums that Marcel wanted halved. This shtick won't work with a master manipulator like Marcel, so I'll be interested to see how this develops; does Angelo have the chops to push Marcel around? And speaking of chops, Jamie's back--with two stitches. This doesn't help her reputation with her teammates.

No Bourdain this week (which is too bad, since he has a little daughter and would probably have some good perspective on this challenge); instead, we bear witness to the return of Katie Lee. It's the reunion no one was waiting for! Yay!

Team Brontosaurus

Little Dale and Isabella: Corn grits, stewed peppers, salsa verde. Gail finds it creative, while the young museum staffers don't enjoy the texture.

Marcel, Richard, and Angelo: Banana parfait with seasonal fruit and tandoori maple. The kids all like the banana, and Gail thinks it's presented beautifully.

Carla and Spike: "V9," or gazpacho with fruits and vegetables. It's a bit spicy for the kids, and the yellow peppers stand out in a bad way.

Fabio and Stephen: Potato gnocchi with leeks, spinach, and mushrooms. Katie likes the flavor profile, and perhaps most importantly, Tom is impressed that the gnocchi are actually soft. (The mid-commercial break vignette sequence shows Fabio pimping his gnocchi hard to all the adults, and most of the kids. Spike says he's "kind of like a car salesman." Richard, with a grin: "Vote for Fabio.")


Team T-Rex

Antonia and Tiffany: Frittata trio (bacon/cheddar, ham/cheese, chêvre). As suspected, the doneness is uneven. Katie's is nearly uncooked at the center.

Tre and Casey: Coho salmon with shrimp-smoked bacon sauce. A good team, but a poor effort. Tre's sauce is terminally salty, and though the fish is cooked well, there are still some bones.

Jennifer and Jamie: Braised bacon topped with hard-boiled eggs. The bacon is chewy, and the eggs are flavorless. Jamie notes before service that, as a result of her absence, this wasn't what "her dish" looked like.

Big Dale and Tiffani: Steak and parmesan eggs with smoked paprika crème fraiche hollandaise. The steak is good, the sauce is great.

Padma visits the Stew Room and calls out Team Brontosaurus. After they leave, T-Rex badmouths their choices. Jennifer says she stopped cooking for the diners in these challenges a long time ago, and that it's just for her and for the judges in her mind. Big Dale points out that's a little selfish, but Jen doesn't really seem to care.

At Judges Table, the Chefs Brontosaurus learn they're the winning team. While Stephen and Fabio's gnocchi dish earns praise (good rebound for both of them), it's the elegant and tasty parfait constructed by Marcel, Richard, and Angelo that takes the win. Another win for Angelo, but Marcel tells the confessional camera that he probably would have gotten the win had it been one chef selected. The feud deepens…

Team T-Rex goes out to take their punishment, and Tiffani keeps on going with the "I thought T-rexes were omnivores" routine. Tom knows he was clear with the instructions, so it's a done deal. Steak and eggs: they were good, but hardly a challenge. Tre doesn't have a great defense of his sauce, especially when he says that he knew it was probably over-reducing yet didn't take steps to fix it. Jennifer's making a lot of faces at the criticisms leveled, and Padma notes that she looks pissed off. She is. She doesn't think she or the team belong in this situation. She makes some snide noises at Gail. Tom asks why the team chose to plate everything on one big plate. Jennifer says (and we saw this in the promo following last week's episode) that the judges are smart; why didn't they just ask for fresh plates? Tom's in no mood to be sidetracked, and says that someone on the team should have been smart enough to see the error.

This is pretty much where it all falls apart.

Antonia doesn't mince words about Jamie's lack of toughness, saying that basically the entire team agrees that she abandoned her duties for no good reason. Jen goes on to say that she disagrees completely with all the complaints about their dishes, and hers in particular. She is manic, vociferous. This isn't an angry defense of a misjudged dish; this is a dissociative meltdown. Other Judges Table fracases have been fun to watch, but this was just kind of uncomfortable.

The team is sent back while the judges deliberate; Tom's got too level a head to get upset about this. He says the loser's going to go home for bad food, not for mouthing off. When the chefs come back out, Tiffani and Dale are excused as safe. Though Antonia and Tiffany are better chefs than their frittata output, and Casey and Tre should have taken more steps to ensure the quality of their product, it is the steak and eggs dish that gets the stinkiest of eyes. Since everyone on the team said they didn't miss Jamie at all (really--they all said that), it's Jennifer who takes the fall and is shown the door.

She laughs the irrational laugh of someone who has separated completely from responsibility and, I'd say, reality. The other chefs seem totally blown away; Tom tweeted before the show aired that the ending of this episode would be "shocking." The only shock I felt was that Jen had gone off the rails so far, so fast. She says her goodbyes to a stunned Stew Room, then blows up in a burst of profanity outside the room, just off-camera. To the confessional, with a frightening seriousness, she says, "The judges got it wrong."

No, they really didn't. I hope Eric Ripert gave you a good talking-to when you got back to work, Jen. Your reputation took a well-earned shot this week.


NEXT: A double elimination, Tiffani freezes her melons, and Marcel versus Wiley Dufresne.

Today was a real kick in the pants for about 800,000 fans of quality television programming: FX officially cancelled Terriers.
 
Terriers, you ask? What is this dog show of which you speak?
 
And that right there is the reason it's gone. FX evidently took a page straight from NBC's Kings playbook, and mis-marketed Terriers right into the poorhouse. Just as NBC's gorgeous alt-history drama epic wasn't The OC in a castle, Terriers wasn't a show about angry dogs. But that's what the advertisements would have you assume.
 
The two stars, Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James, were barely visible in pre-show marketing. And understand me when I say that they're 99% of the reason to tune into the show. The other 85% is everything else about the show: the writing, the cinematography, the co-stars, the incredibly infectious theme song…the questionable math. The dog on the website and all the promotional images doesn't even appear in the damn show.
 
I'd like to think that if CBS viewers could crank up their oxygen flow enough to muster the energy to save Jericho, then certainly the young, vigorous, and angry fans of Terriers could bombard FX into a 180-degree reversal on the fortunes of the show. Hell, it's still possible--you could always email FX at user@fxnetworks.com, just to remind them how annoyed you are--but it's not likely to work.
 
The fact is, those of us who liked the show early enough to see this as a possible conclusion just didn't bring in enough of our friends and family members in time. I know I got at least three new viewers to the show (one of them my wife, hardly a coup), but that was with a couple weeks to go. FX has decided that, rather than stake themselves to a loss-leader, a quality show that speaks to philosophy over economy, they'd go the traditional route and axe the sucker. That's disappointing, FX--but not particularly shocking.
 
It's very tempting to boycott FX in response. But I was never going to tune in to Sons of Anarchy anyway, and I never watched The Shield, so it's kind of meaningless to lose me as a viewer. And the fact of the matter is that Justified is also a really great show, also airing on FX, and also deserving of viewers and support. Of course, FX is giving this show support; see the premiere ratings of both Terriers and Justified (1.6 vs. 4.2 million) to show what good marketing and a name that makes sense can do for a show.
 
So mourn Terriers. Buy the theme song (Gunfight Epiphany by Robert Duncan). Check out some episodes on iTunes and Hulu. Definitely pick up the show whenever it comes out. The season (I still can't say "series") told a complete story with a satisfying ending. Even if this is the end of Hank Dolworth and Britt Pollack, their ride into the sunset is worth investing in.
 
(And if you watch the pilot episode, you'll get the title of this post, which is just the irritating kind of dumbassery that FX used in naming Terriers. Sorry.)

Marcella: You know, when you start getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality, or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.

That was the scene my wife referenced not long into the premiere of Top Chef All-Stars, as we were reintroduced to fan favorites and villains from seasons past--and many of them brought more than just emotional baggage back to the TC Kitchen. (I'm looking at you, Isabella!)
 
Along with all these competitors we've met before, we get an official prize sponsor we haven't: Buitoni. Nice to see a food company sponsoring the show's $200,000 megaprize rather than hand soap or snack bags. Not that anyone's rushing to conspicuously throw some Buitoni penne rigate in their skillets ("Oh, look at this Buitoni pasta, I think I'll try some!"); multiple chefs made fresh pasta in this week's episode, and largely to great acclaim.
 
It would appear, from the reactions during everyone's arrival at the apartment, that no one knows who else is coming. I like that. I like even more that no one apparently knew who would be judging this season. Bricks were indeed shat as Padma announced the looming presence of little dark stormcloud Anthony Bourdain. What I find interesting are the faces of the chefs as they re-entered the TC Kitchen; you can tell who's genuinely too crazy to be intimidated (Dale Talde, Fabio), and who's all bluster (still looking at you, Isabella).
 
And names: we've got to set the road rules for our two doppelgängers, the Dales and Tiffani/ys. Dale Talde, the angry one, will be Little Dale, because have you seen Dale Levitsky? My man has been sampling the wares--and I say this with love, because I'm probably only a few pounds behind him. So he'll be Big Dale. And as for the Tiffs, I think you're just going to have to get used to knowing which one has an I (that would be "me me best season original gangster me" Tiffani Faison) and which one's got a Y (Tiffany Derry of Season 7, who has two Y's in her name). There's your mnemonic. And also an indication of which one I like more.
 
Grudges return, as Elia is still bearing ill will (if passive-aggressively) toward Marcel. Also not looking forward to the potential presence of Marcel is Fabio, still stinging from his Very Special Reunion Special rebuffing from Astroboy. Of course, who happens to be on the welcoming committee when the elevator doors open for Fabio? Yep. Pretty awesome, and I'm guessing unscripted.
 
We also got a grim reminder of Top Chefs Past in the disembodied voice of Katie Lee (née Joel), aka the Pre-Padma, from the clips of Tiffani and Harold at the Season 1 finale. Gee, her voice wasn't annoying at all. (Admission: I still haven't watched the first season, mostly because Netflix still has it on my Saved list. But was she always that droningly nasal? ...Checks Wikipedia…yep.)
 
So, black chef coats donned (gotta cop to it, the black gave me the chills a little; I'm a total dork), the chefs get their first Quickfire of their Second Chance Season. Work as a team with your seasonmates, and make a dish that represents your season's city. Winning team gets immunity. It's a good challenge, and you've got to wonder if the other chefs were upset or relieved that they didn't have as many cooks in the kitchen as Season 3's team. Chicago being represented by Little Dale, Antonia, Spike, and Richard--let's say there's not a lot of air left in that room.
 
It's easy to forget that each season of Top Chef has been in a different city. Season 1 (San Francisco) does a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough croutons. Season 2 (Los Angeles) goes for shrimp tacos with an apple "tortilla." Season 3 (Miami) goes Cuban, with pork tenderloin, avocado-lime purée, tostones, and habanero sauce. Season 4 (Chicago) deconstructs a Chicago dog with fresh sausage and savory mustard ice cream; oh, that Richard Blais! Season 5 (New York) splits up for a trio of apple-based dishes (soup, pasta with sausage, and ribeye). Season 6 (Las Vegas) hopes to call to mind mobster food (?) a bacon-lobster carbonara with fresh bucatini; I guess "mobster" rhymes with "lobster," so there's that. Season 7 (Washington, D.C.) goes once more to the crab cakes well, but with essence of crab cakes turned into a brodo for seared rockfish. (Angelo's contender for line of the night, perhaps defending the obviousness of crab cakes: "It's not like I can do an ice carving of George Washington.")
 
Lots of scrambling at the end, including Stephen inadvertently bumping the tray of rockfish out of Angelo's hands, forcing him to cut new filets with minutes to go. In the end, Seasons 2 (bland shrimp, too-thin apple), 1 (way too much raw garlic), 5 (no cohesion), and 7 (a bit too salty) are at the bottom. Besties are Seasons 3 (great flavors, strong representation of the city), 4 (inventive, Tom digs the ice cream), and 6 (great pasta). The winner, which proves to be exceptionally important, is Season 4: Chicago. Isabella's response (other than "fucking motherfucker," under his breath)? "Sausage with mustard? Big whoop." Mmm, that's good sportsmanship.
 
Same as the old boss
 
I had the Elimination Challenge spoiled for me by U-Verse's episode description when I set up the DVR, but it's so deliciously evil that it didn't even matter. Silver serving trays are delivered, and the lids are pulled to reveal the ingredients and description of each of the dishes that got these chefs eliminated the first time. DAMN. Talk about "check your ego at the door." Or, better, "get yourself unfucked," as Bourdain puts it later. The winning effort will retool the sucky original dish without straying too far from the original concept. Three hours tonight, two more tomorrow at the Russian Tea Room.
 
Here's why this challenge is so awesome. First, there are some spectacular flameouts among the chefs represented this season. Jamie's Ripert-fail with the black bass and braised celery, Carla's steak sous vide a la Casey, Spike's frozen scallop debacle in Rick Tramanto's kitchen, and most wonderfully, Little Dale's miso butterscotch scallops--the single worst thing Anthony Bourdain has ever eaten, even though he mistakenly attributed it to Big Dale during his book tour appearance in Madison. Plus, Stephen will have to remake three dishes, none of which were his own, because his failing back in Season 1 was that he ignored his kitchen duties in deference to his oenophilia at the front-of-house for Restaurant Wars. Brutal!
 
Perhaps the best part? The producers gave Spike frozen scallops again. But in case you hadn't put it together, that's two incredibly awful dishes, both featuring scallops, on the team that happened to win immunity during the Quickfire. So Butterscotch Scallops and Frozen Scallops are guaranteed to not be losers this time around. That is amazingly fortunate for Little Dale and Spike, though it turns out they probably didn't need fortune--for different reasons.
 
Elia goes in headstrong, largely ignoring the lessons her original steamed fish disaster should have taught her. Instead, she plows ahead, stopping only to add bacon to the dish--a transparent sop to trendy ingredients. Angelo impresses Richard by his fresh ramen noodle-fu. Little Dale appears to be going a bit loopy in the kitchen, but he's got immunity, as do the lockers in the TC Kitchen. Carla continues to be gracious to Casey's poorly-considered sous vide suggestion during the Season 5 finale, but makes it clear that she's doing her own thing this time around. Classy broad, that Carla.
 
During the mid-break vignette, Elia addresses her part in the infamous Season 2 head-shaving incident. She acknowledges how young and stupid she was then, and that she hopes to bring a new level of maturity to the competition. We'll see how long that lasts.
 
Tom the Knife saunters into the kitchen looking dapper, and informs the chefs that they'll be splitting their work in half. Half will cook, the other half will dine with the judges, and then vice versa. We as viewers gotta know what's coming, even if the chefs don't: closed-circuit televisions in the kitchen come in after the food has gone out. Oh, and the winner gets $10,000.
 
I know Stephen's at a disadvantage cooking dishes that weren't his to begin with, but it really does seem like he's out of practice in the kitchen. Of all the chefs, he seems most ill at ease working with pots and pans rather than schmoozing guests and pouring wine. But perhaps that's fine, since this has always been his failing. As the timer sounds, Richard is still foaming some dishes; other chefs comment out loud on it, but he just wraps up and doesn't appear to notice or care.
 
Out at the table, hey, you guys all know Anthony Bourdain? Yeah? Okay, let's eat.
 
Richard gets props all around for his crusted pork belly. Angelo's ramen and pork belly pleases Tony, but he liked it the first time around as I recall. Little Dale's scallops inspire the "unfucked" line from Bourdain, who infinitely prefers these scallops to the original horror. Tiffany's halibut is a little overcooked for Carla, while Antonia wanted more sugar. Tre's almond toast overpowers the salmon. Tiffani's got an unpleasant flavor to her dish. Stephen's three dishes are all over the place, and Tony takes it to him pretty hard. Fabio's pasta en papillote is bizarre, confusing Antonia and infuriating Bourdain. "It looks like an inside-out animal." (Fabio, meanwhile, sounds like he wants to settle it at 3:30 by the bike racks.) Elia's fish is a bit raw, and Big Dale remarks that she seems to have given up on it. There was also a big scale in Marcel's portion. Ouch.
 
As the second group starts cooking, I wonder something. Jamie's making an Eric Ripert dish, and in the kitchen with her is Jen, who works at an Eric Ripert restaurant. Do you think she should have maybe gone to Jen for a taste-test instead of Casey? Or is there something in the rules that would prohibit that? Anyway, Jamie still hates the dish. Casey is confident she'll show that she can cook pork belly properly. As the chefs in the kitchen learn they were being watched (in horror, natch), we cut to Tom swirling his wine in the background of a shot and sloshing a bunch out. He makes a priceless face, proving that the man is indeed human. Loved it.
 
Antonia's sausage makes Richard and Tre happy, but Tiffany thinks it's incomplete. Spike successfully masks the crappy scallops in his ceviche, prompting a eureka moment from Bourdain as he remembers the original incident. Cut in the action as he asks, "Is this the craftiest motherfucker who's ever been on the show?" In a word, Tony: yes. Jamie manages to pull off Ripert's black bass dish much better this time, prompting kudos from Richard. As opposed to the stanky original, Isabella--you know I mean Mike, right? I still can't call him that--almost makes his leeks melt-in-your-mouth, and at least nails the presentation. Big Dale's lobster makes Little Dale sad, especially the dumpling; Stephen agrees. Carla's non-sous vided steak is pretty good, but Angelo gets a bad cut of meat that is really unpleasant. Casey nails her dish; Gail Simmons says she redeemed herself. Marcel overdoes the vanilla again, and Fabio says it takes balls to put this dish out. Whether that's a compliment or not isn't a question for Marcel, who fist-pumps in response. Lastly, Jen's duck is a technically flawed non-entity and really disappoints Tiffani.
 
As rumbles of Richard's timer violation rumble through the Stew Room (mostly emanating from Tiffani), Padma arrives to call out Spike, Jamie, Angelo…and Richard. At Judges' Table, Tom gets right to it. Richard, you're here because you made a great dish, but you went over your time limit, so you're ineligible to win. That's fair, but I was worried for a second that they were going to boot him. It would have been massively overreactionary, but I was worried. Also, I felt like Richard was bullshitting about not being aware of time expiring.
 
Anyway, Jamie will still absolutely never prepare this dish again if she has a choice. Angelo's watermelon tea, a fascination from the first run of the dish, was perfected in this version. Spike saved a shitty scallop. Hardly seems like a choice, given the various shades of praise here, but in case you hadn't figured it out: Angelo takes the prize. Here we go again!
 
Called out to take their lashings are Fabio, Stephen, and Elia. Stephen basically cops to ignoring the kitchen side of Restaurant Wars back in Season 1, but feels much more strongly about his output tonight than he has any right to. Monochromatic colors and flavors, wildly bad proportions--just, no. Elia chirps that she added fennel to her fish this time around (leaves out the bacon, wisely--either Tom or Tony would have killed her for it), but Gail won't let her skate on the doneness. It was rare. Like, really rare. Elia says she didn't check internal doneness on all of them, but Tom says no, it was rare on the outside. "You were your own worst enemy," says Tony. We are witnessing a Catholic school-style scolding here, folks. Fabio hears his criticisms--overdone, overgloppy, and what's the deal with that paper?--and chooses to focus on perceived ridicule from Bourdain during service. Basically, he says that he'd be giving Tony a real bustafazoo under different circumstances. Before the chefs are sent off to await the verdict, Elia pleads, "Don't eliminate me, I have a lot more to do. I mean it." Okay, someone better put a tail on this girl or she'll be cooking Colicchio's pet rabbit for next week's Quickfire.
 
Thankfully, we don't have to worry about that, because despite Fabio's muddled gumbo-pasta-miasma, and Stephen's total failure to grasp the original concept for retooling (perhaps his saving grace, actually), Elia's locked-in, literal-minded non-improvement gets her the boot. She gets some nice support from the chefs, a fellowship totally unique to this setting of successful peers, and leaves the TC Kitchen as easily the best-dressed loser we've seen in a while. Love those shoes, sister, if it's any consolation.
 
THIS SEASON: Jimmy Fallon, Paula Deen, something that I think is a Jonas, and the chefs finally get to cook against Tom? Sweet! (Hopefully, it'll turn out better than commentator Yukio "Doc" Hattori's epically bad output in Battle Truffle of the original Iron Chef.)

Yep, I took a break for one iteration of the Top Chef media empire--and from all indications, it was the right one to skip. But no matter the rigors of bloggeration and recapping and appointment television, there's almost no way I could be expected to resist Top Chef All-Stars. You had me at, well, "All-Stars."

The season premiere is tonight at 10/9 Central, and I'll be posting a recap some time thereafter. If there's one thing Season 7 taught me, it's to not promise a timeline I can't deliver. But I'm going to try to get back to posting before noon on Thursday.

I expect these recaps to be slightly different, since regular viewers will know all these chefs really well. Dale "The Locker Puncher" Talde, the Kind-of-a-Twat Marcel Vigneron, Antonia "The Black Hammer" Lofaso, Zweet Fabio Viviani, and Tre "Creme Anglaise" Wilcox, among others. Not as much exposition, and a little more food commentary.

Plus, who isn't excited about the installation of Anthony Bourdain as a regular judge--hopefully more regular than Eric Ripert last season. Tony's respect for Tom Colicchio and Top Chef is well-known; he gave a lot of props when he spoke in Madison earlier this month.

Should be a good time, guys. See you tomorrow!