Food for Thinkers is a week-long, distributed, online conversation looking at food writing from as wide and unusual a variety of perspectives as possible. Between January 18 and January 23, 2011, more than 40 food and non-food writers will respond to a question posed by GOOD's newly-launched Food hub: What does—or could, or even should—it mean to write about food today?

White People Food has nothing to do with the relative melanin level of the person eating it. ... White People Food does, however, have a lot to do with money. Are you wealthy enough to afford cuts of [insert farm name] [insert special breed of pig] slow poached in [insert another farm name’s] [insert special type of milk] served with greens from [insert urban rooftop garden]? Then you are eating like a White Person. Do you feel really good about yourself while you’re doing it? Then you are a White Person.

Hard to believe that we're going to get there from the distinctly upbeat open--no lingering shot of an empty Judges' Table, no "there but for the grace of Tom" mutterings in the Stew Room. It's dawn, and the ladies of Top Chef are waking up to the sun. I won't tie this New Morning in New York to the recent departure of a gloomy little cloud of San Francisco fog, but...

Still, there's talk of a Black Hammer sighting. Once again, Antonia's teammates have been shown the door. I love that this has been brought to the fore this season, since it was given short shrift in Antonia's original season but for a sequence in the reunion special.

The chefs convene at Le Bernardin, stomping grounds of some chef who doesn't know fish nearly as well as Tom Colicchio's fishing buddy. Tony Bourdain is there (hi, Tony!), and he gives a little plug for his most recent book, Medium Raw. He introduces the chefs to seafood prep savant Justo Thomas; if you haven't read the book, at least read the chapter on Justo. It's great.

For the Quickfire Challenge, our chefs will have to break down and portion one cod and one fluke in 10 minutes (Justo can do it in 8), and they have to do it as close to Le Bernardin's standards as possible. Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, and Antonia end up lagging the field; Fabio slices his thumb (really, guys?), but seafood chef Tiffany has no excuse for her performance.

The top four are Dale, Richard, Isabella, and Marcel, but that's not the end. They'll have to make a dish--of the scraps. It's hardly slim pickings, as there are collars, cheeks, and bellies still to be harvested. All are flavorful cuts and rising in culinary popularity. The winner will earn immunity, but won't be as awesome as Marcel, who tells us that he used to be violently allergic to fish but powered through it until he wasn't anymore, because that's how awesome he is.

Marcel's dickish while Dale is confident. He prepares two dishes--fluke back fin sashimi with cucumber and fluke liver sauce, and bacon dashi with salt-roasted cod collar--and takes the win over Richard's cod belly schnitzel (oh that Richard), Isabella's belly, cheek, and collar in tomato sauce, and Marcel's cod mousseline with yuzu. Indeed, Marcel's is the only one of the five plates that gets any noticeable criticism (texturally monochromatic). Dale earns immunity, continuing his hot streak.

We return to the Top Chef kitchen, where oh lord it's Ludo Lefebvre. I know he was a victim of editing on Top Chef Masters, but gods, I can't stand him anyway. He's here, though, to introduce this year's (non-)twist on the Restaurant Wars Elimination Challenge: the pop-up restaurant. Ludo's done five iterations of his Ludobites pop-up in LA; Fatty Johnson's in New York has gotten recent press on the East Coast. The chefs won't have to worry too much about the space, or decor, or all that stuff. They'll have to cook food, and the implied challenge is to fit it into the pop-up ethos.

As the Quickfire winner, Dale is Captain #1; he also gets to select #2. Who better than Marcel? Dale can't stand him, and history shows that team leaders in Restaurant Wars tend to get the best and worst of Judges' Table. Marcel selects Angelo, Isabella, Antonia, and Tiffany, none of whom seem particularly thrilled about their lot. Dale is happy with Richard, Tre, Fabio, and Carla, and they seem to be equally pleased.

This year, the bigger twist than the pop-up concept is the judging; it'll be the diners, not the real judges, who will select the winning team. As the teams split up to plan, it's clear that the impending meltdown I predicted for Marcel is reaching critical mass; he can't get anyone to do exactly what he wants, so he starts sighing and rolling his eyes from the get-go. Dale's team is running with his bodega concept, with Richard playing a clear role as creative director for much of the menu.

So Dale's team is Bodega, and after some additional bitching by Marcel, his team decides on Etch as their name. Isabella's description doesn't make much sense in this context, but it's better than Marcel's "Medi" idea. Might as well run with "Meh."

There are five hours of prep, and Tom comes in with about an hour to go. He chats with Marcel first, who doesn't really impress Tom all that much before all but telling him to scram. Dale's convenience store-influenced menu doesn't do much better for Panther Tom, but he's at least willing to give Team Bodega some poetic license. Before he leaves, Tom tells the crew that there will only be one winner this week, and that chef will earn $10,000. They are making it rain this season, I'm telling you.

Fabio, destined to work front-of-house in any service challenge, is confident in delivering success for his 50% of Bodega's operation (modest aspirations, that Fabio). Marcel, on the other hand, is telling Tiffany how to cook and peel eggs. His particular brand of micromanaging is exceptionally galling; Isabella seems just about ready to go nose-to-bouffant with the little dink. Angelo plays moderator, but in a moderated way, like he's trying to slow down the boulder without wanting to risk getting in front of it. Richard thinks his team is quiet....a little too quiet. Literally. He actually said that. He's so cute.

Food and Wine's Dana Cowin appears as just a regular old diner (sure), and the difference in confidence between the two front-of-housers (Tiffany and Fabio) couldn't be more distinct. Fabio is cranking up de ahksent and both training and representing his waitstaff with aplomb, while Tiffany is mouthing "not good" to the non-Marcel chefs in her kitchen and failing to seat the judges properly when they arrive.


Bodega

The meal starts with Dale's bag of potato chips with fried herbs and sea salt. The first course is Richard's raw tuna belly and fried chicken skin with chilies and lime (in a can), and Dale's maple-roasted bacon, soft egg, and house-made focaccia. While one diner bitches about the perceived pointlessness of the can, the judges are taking both dishes well. Dale's egg makes Tony happy (as all soft eggs do), and the simple elegance of the dish impresses judges and diners alike.

Course two splits between Richard's chicken-fried cod with "Brussels kraut," and Tre's pork shoulder over cheddar grits with Corona lime sauce. Richard's dish is, of course, playful and surprisingly harmonious. Tre beats the Restaurant Wars bugaboo with a terrific sauce that you have to believe was crafted at least in part by Richard. The pork is good too, but everyone's talking about the better-than-actual-Corona Corona sauce.

For dessert, Carla plates a blueberry pie with dry milk ice cream, while an amaretto cake with candied lemon peel and cappuccino mousse is Fabio's sole food contribution. His masterful service shouldn't be overlooked, as it was a true joy to watch him do well that which he does best. That said, Tony goes over the moon for his coffee dessert, and Carla's blueberry pie gets kudos, too.


Etch

As I mentioned earlier, Tiffany's having a rough go. The editing to this point has made her presence in the dining area out to be spastic, overloud, and inattentive. This doesn't appear to be a trick of the camera. Some rando server seats the judges, while in the kitchen, Marcel continues to grate on his team.

Tiffany's frisee and shaved asparagus salad with cured egg and chorizo starts out alongside Angelo's fluke crudo (another one?) with grapes, pink peppercorns, and lemon zest. Tiffany's eggs were a salvage job, and the judges all note that the dish needs more flavor--both from the bland/nonexistent chorizo, or the washed-out asparagus. Angelo's crudo is overcome by obtrusive foofaraw, irritating Tom in particular. Both dishes are hailed by the diners selected by the cameras.

The second course is either Marcel's roasted monkfish with kalamata olives, peperonata, and parsley foam, or Isabella's braised pork belly and octopus with cannellini beans. Ludo finds Marcel's entire plate mushy. Tony calls it baby food. Naturally, the diners all seem to love it. Isabella has hit on something with his pork belly/octopus combo, but on this team, nothing good can last. Back in the kitchen, Isabella and Marcel continue to snipe; Angelo's game attempts at conciliation are met with a dickish STFU from Marcel to "the peanut gallery." Um. Really?

Anyway, Antonia plates a ricotta gnudi and braised oxtail ragout with arugula and lemon zest for the third course, while Isabella and Angelo team up for a slow-cooked lamb chop with cauliflower purée, turmeric, and honey. Padma immediately knocks Antonia's dish as too salty, though Tony thinks the gnudi are perfect. The diners are thrilled, of course. The lamb chop comes out slow to the diners, and a couple tables (Cowin's included) have to send it back for more cooking. Earlier in the episode, we saw one with-it dude knocking the plates for being too cold and chilling everything on them; he was shown out of order, probably to allow the sense that Etch was nailing it with the diners to grow, right up to the very end of service.

The end of service is marked by a "surprise" dessert from Marcel: a duo of peaches, unripened and sweet, with coconut foam and powder, served alongside dry ice. (Possibly line of the night: "Something is steaming," Padma says. "Of course it is," sighs Tony.) Every single judge hates it. A couple guys note that it's both weird and stupid. (I may be putting words in their mouths, but that was the basic jist.) And then one young woman, who previously expounded on pretty presentation, comments on how amazing that dessert was when it arrived at the table. Note that she doesn't say "it tasted great," but that it was real pretty. Thus we are very nearly convinced: most people are dumb.

At the end of the night, Fabio is pleased as punch, setting his team's nerves a little bit at ease. Marcel, on the other hand, is bizarrely upbeat while Antonia refuses to hide from that certain trainwreck quality their service displayed. Marcel responds with "Debbie Downer" and "psycho," and leaves the area. At Judges' Table, Padma wants to see Etch first. A chill of horror runs up and down my spine as I contemplate the possibility that the doofus "judges" gave the win to the clearly-inferior team.

Thank the Maker that we were being taken for a ride by the producers. Only 17 of 76 diners preferred Etch's meal to Bodega's; Team Marcel is the losing team. Nearly everyone on the team describes a lack of cohesion, communication, togetherness, organization...y'know, leadership. But no one answers when Tom asks who might have been the one who should have demonstrated those skills.

Ludo breaks it to Angelo that pink peppercorns aren't popular in the south of France, and that his crudo was overcomplicated in addition to having exactly zero Mediterranean influence. Tom and Tony wanted a little more savor from Isabella's porktopus, but the criticism is middling. Tony knows that Antonia can do an oxtail ragout standing on her head, but that this one was sticky, salty, and kind of disastrous.

Marcel: why foam? Why now? And why do you want to insult and hurt us with that shitty-ass dessert? He's got nothin', but starts to call out his team for falling apart around him. Isabella demonstrates a fine grasp of hip-hop/prison slang with the "you wanna pull my card, now?" bit, and then takes him apart for being a timebomb and completely lacking in leadership qualities. Angelo just stammers that none of them were professionals tonight, and Padma can't shoo them out of the room soon enough.

Out comes Team Bodega, which I kind of hesitate to call Team Dale. Right from the start--just after Tom says with an air of awe, honestly, "you killed it"--it's clear that if Richard wasn't the de facto team leader, then he had a finger in every single pie they put out there. Even Carla's. Fabio's service was great, and his dessert was perhaps the one dish that didn't bear a clear Richard fingerprint, but it's not enough. Richard's genius was laced throughout the entire, staggeringly great run of Bodega, and he gets the win and the $10k.

And with that, Team Etch heads back out to hear the bad news. Except maybe it's not such bad news. Though Tiffany's food and service were disastrous, there's no denying that the black hole of suck at the center of Etch was Marcel; the former runner-up and shoulda-won of Season 2 gets eliminated at the bottom of a total freefall. Your only mistake was picking the wrong team, Marcel? Splat. Adios, Astroboy.

Next: "Get your guns ready--it's an Italian challenge." Lorraine Bracco guest-judges; are we seeing the nascence of Fabio?

Well, that was an unusual episode. No Quickfire to get the blood pumping. Just an early alarm clock. The chefs all want to hit snooze, and I think by the end most of the viewers did, too.
 
But let's backtrack for a moment. In the post-Judges' Table Stew Room, Antonia takes a pretty thinly-veiled shot at Jamie, saying that Casey attacked the challenge, and didn't want to just do a dumpling. Jamie, seemingly oblivious to the shot, just says "yeah." Marcel also takes a little bite out of Dale for what he perceives as Dale slow-pedaling his plating during service last week. On the rooftop of the TC apartment, the biting continues--as Marcel bites a little bit of Dale's hip-hop throwdown style all up in Dale's grill. Dale's been taking anger management classes, but that doesn't keep him from calling Marcel a little bitch to the confessional camera. I wonder: Marcel kinda seemed drunk. True or false?
 
There's no Padma in the kitchen the following morning. Just a sign that reads "GONE FISHIN'" and a map to Montauk. The chefs hop into their vehicles of unknown make or model and meet Padma and Tom looking all verdant and happy at the foot of a lighthouse. The chefs will be shopping for their proteins the old-fashioned way: grab a net and pole.
 
In lieu of the usual Quickfire, the chefs will spend 5 hours divided up onto two fishing boats, catching as much fish as they can to use for the Elimination Challenge. Anyway, immunizing someone from elimination this week would complicate Judges Table too much, considering this will be another double elimination episode.
 
The chefs are split into four teams of three (Dale/Carla/Tre, Tiffani/Jamie/Antonia, Angelo/Isabella/Tiffany, and Fabio/Marcel/Richard). Fabio and Dale both have fishing experience passed down from their fathers, so you know they'll be pumped. The first two teams above (1 and 3, respectively) are raking in the fish on their boat. Dale lands a massive striped bass that's about 2/3 his length. Teams 2 and 4 (the other two teams above, respectively) take a lot longer to start their luck, but eventually get some decent feesh.
 
The Team 1/3 Boat has a particularly masturbatory method for reeling in the big ones, which leads to some yuk-yuk humor from Mr. Yuk-Yuk, Isabella. Once the fishing is over, Team 4 starts menu planning right on the boat. Richard is trying to appease Marcel by giving him the credit for deciding to do a single dish. Fabio thinks his team will be engaging in some "syholohical warfare," whatever that is.
 
After the boats, the farmers' market. Antonia points out how buddy/buddy Fabio and Richard are becoming ("They're like the odd couple. It's like, the professor and...the strange Italian immigrant."), there's some really classic comedy going on between Angelo and Isabella. Angelo insists on spicy peppers. Isabella says they are, he tasted them. Angelo says, "No, spicy spicy." Isabella says, "Come here and taste this. Just a small piece." Angelo does, and proceeds to start coughing and watering at the eyes.
 
Angelo asks, "Why did you do that to me?"
 
After a beat, Isabella replies in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone, "Because you didn't trust me."
 
I actually watched it a couple times, literally LOLing.
 
Beachside preparation begins, with a charming montage of Jamie complaining about everything under the sun--and actually, the sun too, now that I think about it. Lovely. Tiffani's trying to keep competitive distance from her. Carla's just trying to wrangle the fishy, nasty blood line out of her blue fish, a specimen she's not particularly crazy about.
 
Richard's starting to worry about the one-dish approach, thinking two might have been better. Fabio probably would have been fine with that, as he's been relegated to knife boy--taking orders from Richard and Marcel (mostly Richard), and not really contributing to the creative process. Tiffany's under pressure, knowing she works in a seafood restaurant and can't imaging the heat she'd get for fucking up.
 
Tom comes in and of course starts to undermine the confidence of Team 4 for their single dish, Team 1 for Dale's market-bought tortillas, and Team 3 for Tiffani's general thoughts on proper usage for blue fish (often known as a trashy fish in food circles). Only Team 2 stands up to Tom's presence, pumping the value of fresh fish and a good market. That could also be the nigh-insurmountable egos of Angelo and Isabella keeping their confidence high, but who knows. (Another great exchange between Angelo and Isabella: Angelo says to Isabella, "You remind me of someone I fired once.")
 
As the diners enter the arena, the judges are introduced; once again, no Bourdain. Instead, Tom introduces his fishing buddy, chef Kerry Heffernan of South Gate Restaurant, who knows more about fish than anyone Tom knows. I wonder how Eric Ripert feels about this.
 
Team 1
Fish taco with striped bass, corn and avocado relish, crème fraiche, radishes, and cabbage (Dale). Nice fish, good texture. Smoked blue fish lettuce wrap, pickled watermelon rind, radishes, bagel croutons (Carla). Well-smoked, nice accents of dill, and the pumpernickel bagel provides a good side flavor as well. It's a play on bagels and smoked fish in a typical New York deli; smart move, Carla. Striped sea bass with gazpacho salad, tomato and avocado (Tre). The fish is cooked well, and it's a ballsy move to saute in this kind of environment.
 
Team 2
Angelo, Isabella, and Tiffany plate two dishes, both collaborative. Pickled blue fish, spicy watermelon, shallots, red chillies, confit potato and dill. The pickling seems to take the judges by surprise, in a good way. The potatoes and herbs are well-received. Also, striped bass with corn purée, tomato, aleppo spice rub and watermelon. A lot of competing flavors, but cooked well. Hard to read from here whether the judges liked it or not.
 
Team 3
Striped bass, watermelon salad with fresh dill, shaved radishes, cucumber water (Jamie). The fish is bland. The cucumber water would be nice in another setting, but here is redundant and too watery (if you can imagine that; only Jamie could make water too watery). Smoked blue fish with tomato, roasted corn and zucchini ribbon salad (Tiffani). It's a little crude, lacking in both elegance and acidity. Open faced porgy po'boy with Old Bay mayo and cabbage slaw (Antonia). This porgy is best (see what I did there) among this team's dishes, pleasing both the average diners and the judges. The judges are impressed that Antonia took such a lackluster fish and made it great.
 
Team 4
Richard, Marcel, and Fabio offer up a single dish. Sea bass, succotash, corn purée, tomato confit, Concord grape gastrique, jamón "air" (but really, it's foam--and you know who's probably responsible for it). The beans in the succotash--something about which Richard expressed concern during prep--are mushy, and the foam is irrelevant.
 
In an unusual move, the judges stop to chit-chat with some of the hoi polloi (a word that sounds like it should be a kind of fish, but isn't) about which dishes they liked. Carla's gets the primary mention. Tom notes, discussing the freshly-caught angle (puns! I'm full of 'em), provides the apt and true title of this recap. While the chefs wait, Jamie calls "people" out (to the confessional, I think) for copping out by only cooking one dish. If there is a single person who never, ever should accuse someone else of copping out, it's Jamie.
 
No one looks confident at all as Padma arrives to call out Teams 1 and 2: Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Isabella, and Angelo. Padma plays it up more than usual, before letting them off the hook (HAHAHAHA): they're the top two teams. The winner will get a 6-night trip, with airfare, to Amsterdam. Random, sure, but pretty sweet nonetheless. Compliments are paid to Team 2's duo of dishes, and Dale's taco earns praise despite the market tortillas. (I don't think they shopped at a Whole Foods at all this week, though, right? So it was at least farmers-market-bought.) Carla's witty, smart, and tasty smoked fish is the best of the bunch, and she's this week's winner. That makes Carla and Dale strong contenders, having traded blows as alternating winners for the last four weeks.
 
Carla arrives back at the Stew Room her usual, giddy self--and gets her balloon unceremoniously popped by Marcel, who couldn't be more of a dink. Thankfully, once he leaves with the rest of bottom two teams, Angelo and the rest of the leaders reassure Carla that she acted completely acceptably and shouldn't feel badly at all. Good form, guys.
 
Team 4, why one dish? Richard says he and Marcel came up with it at the same time; very crafty, Richard, broadening responsibility when vote-splitting becomes advantageous. Tom notes potential trust issues in that team, highlighting once again just how much of a ninja he is. Basically, a restaurant-scale dish in a beach setting, with a plastic dish, just won't work.
 
Team 3, y'all are bringing a sister down. Tom breaks it to Antonia that her dish, were it not saddled with Jamie and Tiffani's stinky offerings, would have been the winner. Tiffani didn't negotiate the blood line of the fish (hi, Carla!), leading to a funky flavor and mediocre texture. Jamie added water to her cucumber to give it that extra blast of watery goodness; this went over with the judges about as well as you'd expect. Antonia is put on the spot to address whether greater intervention on her part would have steered her team into more successful waters (heyoh!); her response is more weeping. Come on, Antonia!
 
So let's just pull this Band-Aid off quickly. Jamie's reign of error is finally come to an end. And Tiffani just didn't manage to maintain enough competitive distance from her; she gets sucked down right alongside the Sourpuss from San Francisco. The Black Hammer strikes again, as more teammates of Antonia fall while she remains.
 
NEXT: Restaurant Wars. Boom. Plus, Bourdain returns (yay!) and he's brough chef Ludo Lefebvre with him (bleh).

Howdy, Top Cheffers! It's been two long weeks since the last episode, during which time I still haven't managed to finish the last recap. Yeah, sorry about that.

We return to the Stew Room where anger is simmering--before bubbling over for the confessional camera. Antonia's none too pleased with meddling Angelo, and Richard is being pushed to levels of disdain for Jamie heretofore unseen, apart from maybe his relationship with Lisa. But when the next day starts, that's all out the window. Padma introduces the Quickfire Challenge alone, telling the chefs that they'll have to create a dish against the time set by a renowned chef: our own Tommy Boy Colicchio.

This is pretty big, and the faces of the chefs prove it. They're giddy, terrified, in awe. Tom will make a dish, and in the time it takes him to finish it, the chefs will then be let loose to create their own dish. The winner will not only receive immunity, but a new Toyota Prius. Degree of difficulty will be figured into the decision, so don't just slice up some sashimi.

Tom moves like a panther, and commenters have wondered how many times he practiced making his seared black sea bass with clams, tomato and zucchini before unleashing this performance on the chefs. I ask: what if he didn't at all? Dude does have like a dozen restaurants or something. He knows what he's doing. Anyway, it takes him a measly 8 minutes, 37 seconds, to put together a dish that everyone agrees is a hell of a dish for 8 minutes, 37 seconds.

With no time to prepare, the chefs are cut loose. While everyone tears ass to the refrigerators, Marcel turns a 180 and grabs the rest of the black bass that Tom had just filleted--smart. Richard finds foie gras, Dale wishes for a wok where there is none, and Angelo decides that his technique is so amazing, his kung fu so strong, that he can make a crudo and escape judgment from the man who just said"don't do raw."

Tiffani plates a small pool of New England clam chowder. Fabio borrows most--no, all, really--of Tom's ingredients for his dish. Tiffany's own take on seared bass with tomato relish looks nice, but still resembles Tom's a bit too much for me. Antonia sears some tuna with a tomato salad. I liked the look and sound of Carla's shrimp with mango, cilantro, and mint--but there would have to be some major flavors going on to get that simple of a dish the win. Tre's grilled beef tenderloin and seared foie gras with mushrooms and brandy is very brown. Casey's spice-rubbed filet with tomato relish is boring.

Tom admire's Dale's intent to make pad thai with fresh egg noodles, but the three noodles and a splash of salty broth is obviously incomplete. Jamie had more clams in her pot than in the bowl with the bacon, tomato, and cream (there's got to be a joke there). And Angelo's yuzu branzino crudo with jalapeño and cilantro displays the amazing technique of alliteration, but not enough to save him from the bottom.

At the top are Richard's roasted foie gras with aromatics, corn, fresh coriander, and port (which looks and sounds incredible and I want it); Marcel's black sea bass a la Colicchio, dashi broth, bok choy, and chili oil--a dish Tom notes was not only craftily sourced but impressive in technique; and Isabella's pan-roasted branzino with a tomato, black olive and caper stew. This last dish sounds like the least demanding of the three, but it's tasty enough to get Isabella the win, the immunity, and the car. Feh.

The Elimination Challenge, at least initially, sounds like what Saturday Night Live would write in a Top Chef parody: "make a lot of food for a lot of people." Padma goes on to explain that the chefs will be going to Chinatown, leading to every blogger hoping that something goes terribly badly so he can use the line, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown" at the end.

Well, the opportunity is there; the chefs will take over popular Chinese restaurant Grand Harmony during the lunch rush, and serve dim sum to a couple hundred people. Tonight's for menu planning, tomorrow's for shopping at a Chinese market. Richard rightly posits that this is basically Chinese tapas, but with an added bloodlust. Really, if these chefs aren't prepared at this point for an unprecedented nightmare--well, they better get watching No Reservations before Tony gets back.


(sorry for the bad A/V sync)

Jamie's not worried about her reputation at this point; she's going back to the comforting bosom of scallops (see: every single challenge from her original season). Isabella's going to use his immunity to expedite, while Casey and Carla volunteer to be the cart pushers for the judges' portions.

After some Real World-esque talk of boobies and diddlies at the Top Chef apartment, the chefs get shopping. We learn that Fabio has a pet turtle that he takes for walks (seriously), Marcel knows to go for the MSG, and Tre breaks out the line of the night, describing the back and forth at a Chinese meat counter: "Whatchoo want?" "What's dead?"

The careful viewer should, at this point, see things teetering on a precipice. Casey, despite her aspirations for butchery fame, is taking on chicken feet. Jamie appears bewildered by wok technology (Dale, meanwhile, is thrilled; "this is my challenge to lose"). And Fabio's usual techniques for short ribs are stymied by Chinese kitchen appliances.

With each dish shooting for around 150 portions, the chefs are scrambling. Jamie's scallop dumplings aren't going well. Casey's trimming chicken toenails. Carla's summer rolls are "fiddly." Tre's orange custard-ish desserts are liable to turn to goo in the heat of the kitchen. But what's this? A "Top Chef MY-racle" (as only Fabio can say it)? His ribs come out perfect! It might not be all bad after all. The Italian, at least, seems safe.

But as Isabella checks in on the rapidly filling dining room, he gets the stinkeye from about 300 hungry Chinese people, and it's getting nasty in the kitchen. (There's also an odd, Guy Ritchie moment where Isabella, Carla, and Casey's roles are spelled out with on-screen captioning and freeze-frames.) And then there's the guest judge: SUSUR FUCKING LEE. There's no skating on this challenge.

Tiffani cooks a cabbage, cilantro, and sesame slaw with crispy chicken curry. Fabio's soy honey glazed pork ribs with peanuts look pretty spectacular. Carla finally finishes some of her vegetable summer rolls with lemongrass dipping sauce. Angelo, meanwhile, goes for a crispy spring roll with shrimp and pork. Marcel's boneless fried chicken wings look a bit like chicken nuggets, but topped with a dollop of scallion mayo.

This is the first service. Tiffani's slaw is good, but Gail's serving is almost all sesame. Everyone digs Fabio's ribs. Carla's roll is beautifully wrapped...and that's about it. Angelo's spring roll doesn't want for a sauce, and goes over well. Susur likes Marcel's concept, but they come off as bland. Richard apparently served something during this portion of the meal, perhaps some kind of trotter dish. But it never gets on-screen explanation and Gail's not crazy about it anyway.

Down in the kitchen, Tiffany's getting pissed about slow plating and service. Tom notes from the table that there's no food coming out. Richard, too, sees that everyone's pretty meticulous with their presentations, and it's not really suiting the speed required for a dim sum lunch service. Jamie and Antonia's shared dish isn't going very well, and Jamie wonders to the confessional if Antonia's got PMS.

Second service. Jamie and Antonia offer a simple preparation of long beans and Chinese sausage (which always looks incredible when I see it on TV, and still I have yet to eat it). Dale and Angelo create an Asian superteam for cheung fun with XO shrimp. Dale also presents sweet sticky rice with bacon steamed in a banana leaf. Tiffany's spicy pork with preserved vegetables on a steamed bun looks pretty classic, and tasty. And here's Tre's orange ginger dessert with fresh water chestnuts, toasted pine nuts, and Thai basil.

As one would expect at this point in the season, the curse of Jamie strikes the long bean and sausage. It comes out greasy and overcooked, reeking of hoisin. Dale and Angelo's XO shrimp roll is super-spicy, but flavorful. Dale's sticky rice, on the other hand, makes everyone unequivocally happy. So too does Tiffany's pork bun--very authentic. Poor Tre's worry about the temperature proves well-founded; his dessert would be liquid if not contained by the orange half.

Gail posits, in a not-so-sensitive fashion, that there's going to be a revolution in this restaurant if the food doesn't start coming out soon. The servers aren't sure what's being served, and one old guy apparently mutters "Caucasian dim sum" to his wife. I expect it was more derogatory than that, but he gets the benefit of the doubt. (Here, I think of Sleepless in Seattle, where Meg Ryan tells Bill Pullman that they'll go out for dim sum in New York and he, not knowing what it is, asks if there's wheat in it. Total tone-deafness for the cuisine.) Above, people are starting to leave, while below Casey's dish is getting mistreated slightly by Antonia, who said she'd plate for cart-runner Casey.

Tom, on orders from the gals at the table, goes to scare some movement out of of the kitchen. Dissent spreads through the ranks. Antonia thinks Dale should have been the expediter, while Marcel--never short on disdain--thinks Dale's dogging it, wiping down his shoes while Rome burns.

The third and final service begins, as the kitchen finally starts to find its pace. Casey's chicken feet over scallion pancake finally come out; they look pretty ragged compared to her instructional plating for Antonia. Antonia's own dish, shrimp toast with pickled scallions and mushrooms, looks much better. Hm. Isabella's meaningless pork and prawn dumplings with spicy soy are, well, meaningless. And at long last, Jamie's scallop dumplings with water chestnuts and Chinese chives.

Aside from Antonia's shrimp toast, this isn't much of a service. Casey's feet aren't cooked properly--not enough, surprisingly--and Padma notes how many are still sitting on plates despite the food shortage. The chili is good in Isabella's dumpling, but the soy is too salty. Can that happen? And Jamie's dumplings are too much dump, not enough ling. (I don't even know what that means, but she shorted the scallops and the wrapper is too much.)

The judges aren't thrilled, and in the Stew Room, Dale doesn't think there's going to be a winner. In the mid-break vignette, Isabella puts it pretty succinctly: "Everyone sucked and everything sucked." Yep.

Padma calls out Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre--bottoms up, from the look of things. Indeed, they take heat not only for the slow and inadequate service, but the poor dishes. Jamie stands there looking pretty shitty, very Lisa. Susur tells Jamie that she bought the wrong kind of dumpling wrapper for her purposes. Antonia, having only prepped the long beans, doesn't take as much heat considering her successful shrimp toast. Casey tells the judges she was trying for something different, but thanks to Antonia's shoddy finishing, they didn't come out very spectacularly. And her pancake was leaden. Tre's dessert was goo, and Carla's summer rolls were all noodle and daintiness.

The bottom five are sent back to retrieve the top four while their fates are decided. Tiffany, Angelo, Dale and Fabio get the honors. Fabio gets credit for a good imagination, given his total lack of Chinese experience. Tiffany's bun was a savory marshmallow, Gail effuses. Angelo's rolls were downed in copious quantity by Gail and Padma. But Dale, with two quality dishes, gets the win in a nice rebound from a well-intentioned Quickfire failure. He's not exactly bouncing off the walls, though. "Feel like I robbed the bank on that one. We're all morons."

As the judges deliberate, Padma's being very charitable about Jamie even taking on two dishes, even though both failed. Antonia was brought low by her involvement in Jamie's bad dishes. Casey's dish was terrible, a disaster. Carla's rolls weren't worth the calories. Tre's dish evoked hospital food--Tony? Is that you?

Hard to see who's going home among these stinkers. But when the hammer falls, it is Casey getting a ticket home. Jamie gasps audibly. Casey doesn't mind telling the confessional that she, Jamie, and everyone else expected Jamie to go home. Jamie admits in the Stew Room that she took the brunt of the criticism at Judges' Table. All Richard can do is smile in disbelief. I think we're all there with you, Blais.

NEXT: Another double elimination, Long Island (this is the one you call "Strong Island," Dale), and Marcel tries to out-gangster Dale. DALE DALE DALE. This is what you get when you win, buddy. N'un but love, man.